Serendipity
by That Buggy Girl
Summary: Love goes unrequited, Shishio is dead and everything is a mess. What's a former Juppon Gatana member to do? Can one find happiness without searching for it? Sometimes you find things in the most unexpected of places...[Completed]
1. Strength

****

Serendipity _n_ :

The gift of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for.

*`~

"I wan to come…I want to come! I can be helpful! You might need me…"

"Iie, Misha-kun…Battle is no place for you."

"But…But…"

"Wait here. I'll be back soon."

"Hai…"

Sighing, Kataomoi Misharei flopped down on the pile of cushions on the floor. That conversation kept playing through his mind; taunting him, tormenting him. _I wouldn't be any help anyway. I would only be in the way. I don't even want to go, but I do want to be there…_

He brushed a lock of his deep brown hair. It was forever falling in his eyes, clouding his vision with those natural black cherry highlights. _Why am I so weak? Why can't I fight? Maybe then… _

He rolled over on his stomach and looked around the room. Everything seemed so cheery; so bright and welcoming. "Misha-kun." He said the nickname aloud to himself. Misha-kun. He hated it. "So he's older than me. So what? This is agony…" Groaning, he ran his hand through his hair, pulling chunks of it loose from the stubby little ponytail. 

He hugged a pillow. "Let him come home safely…" He muttered, "Even if he won't ever…Let him come home. I need him…"

He rose to his feet, the pillow still clutched in his arms. His feet were bare, his yukata falling loosely from his shoulders. His hair was then casually rumpled; he looked as if he had just woken up.

Down the hall…His footsteps echoed off the wood floor, a steady _pat-pat_. He was going to the one place he didn't want to go.

Knocking lightly, he slid open the shôji. "Ano…Shishio-sama…?" His russet eyes narrowed down even as he said the name, his throat constricted and he felt a burning hatred overwhelm him. _I despise you…_

"Misharei." The crispy hitokiri looked up, his eyes glowing scarlet. Misharei was the same age as his right hand man, Seta Sojiro, but more different the two couldn't have been. 

Shishio Makoto was smart. He could easily sense the animosity radiating from the boy as he stood there in the doorway, one hand raised to the doorframe. The Ôgama Unpannin was such a pretty boy; his burgundy hair falling lightly into those mournful brown eyes. He wore a light blue yukata, fastened at the waist, and occasionally a celadon haori. Beautiful, yes. Strong, no. He put up with the scrawny, weak boy for one reason and one reason alone.

It pleased Kamatari and he would rather not see Kamatari angry.

As much as the cross-dresser made what was left of his skin crawl, Shishio did need as many loyal supporters as he could get. And Honjou Kamatari was by far his biggest fan. If he killed Misharei to prove his point that the weak don't survive -if he even sent the teenager away- Kamatari would pitch a fit.

__

What was going through that man's mind when he brought the boy here? Shishio inhaled deeply on his pipe, blowing smoke through his nose. _Then again, what ever goes through that wretched man's mind?_

"When will the rest of the Juppon Gatana be back, Shishio-sama?" Misha forced himself to ask as politely as possible.

One of Shishio's eyebrows went up. By saying this, the boy was implying that he himself was a member of the Juppon Gatana. This simply wasn't so. What had Kamatari been telling him? "I don't know." He paused, "So why don't you just go back to Kamatari's room and wait?" _Just like you always do, you love-sick dog…_

A frown crossed Misharei's face, causing his features to darken considerably. He could be polite if he wanted to. In some ways, he and Sojiro were very similar. But in others…Any one could read the Unpannin like a book.

"Aren't you worried, Shishio-sama? Battôsai and his companions will be here soon and they come with the intent to defeat you."

"You truly are a fool, Kid. Battôsai has become weak in these past ten years. Using a sword that doesn't kill…there's no strength in that. I could destroy my predecessor with one hand." He dismissed the teenager with the wave of a hand.

__

If Battôsai is so "weak," then what am I? Misharei stared at Shishio for a moment before he turned and glided back out of the room. _I think I'll go for a walk…_He wandered aimlessly back down the hall to Kamatari's room to find his haori. 

__

How did I wind up here? He pulled the pale green jacket on over his yukata. _It was so long ago…When he found me alone and frightened in the snow. I was younger then, still just a child. I was hungry, I was cold and I was utterly alone. He gave me something to eat; gave me this haori…_He fingered the fabric. _I've had it ever since. And as I grew…as I changed…I am a different person. Stronger now._

But not strong enough.

He started out down the hall, but then turned and went back in the other direction. Sojiro…Sojiro would be fighting soon. Was his sword sharp enough? He didn't want the other boy to get hurt. Sojiro has shown him nothing but kindness all those years.

"Sojiro?" He looked into the spacious room where the Tenken awaited his approaching battle with Himura the Battôsai. The strongest of the Juppon Gatana, it was sometimes hard to believe he and Sojiro were the same age. 

"Ara? Oi, Misha-kun." Sojiro smiled cheerily, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm going out." The soft-spoken boy studied his companion. While Sojiro was no less pretty than he, appearances were not to be deceiving. Dark-haired, dark-eyed and constantly smiling, the boy was a ruthless killer. "But I wanted to make sure your sword was ready for the fight."

"Hai…It's nice and sharp from last time you took care of it." He lightly touched the sheath of the sword, the smile never fading from his lips, "Doesn't it make Kamatari-san angry that you do this for me?"

"Iie…He likes you fine." A sly smile crossed his face, "It's Yumi-san that he detests."

"You seem very happy about this."

"I am. Yumi-san is what keeps him from Shishio-sama. I am very glad they hate each other so." A sudden chill ran down his spine and he wrapped the haori tighter around his shoulders. "I'm going now. Be careful, Sojiro."

"Don't worry about me. I did break Himura-san's last sakabatô, don't forget. It all comes down to the simple fact that I am strong and Himura-san has become weak. This is the truth."

"If you say so." _He is weak as I am…He just hides his weakness with that sword I so carefully shine. I can tell…He's not so happy as he seems. He's frightened_. "Sayonara, Sojiro. Ganbatte!"

"Arigato and ja ne, Misha-kun!"

__

Misha-kun. Again with that nickname. He scowled as he left the room. _I'm older than him! His birthday is in September…mine is in February. Yet he still calls me Misha-kun, simply because I'm shorter and smaller than him._

__

Maybe I can just go see how Kamatari-sama is doing in battle…Just a look…I've never seen him fight before…Practice, yes. Fight, no. I know where Shishio sent them…The Aoiya. Those ninjas run the place…I hope they aren't dangerous. But I really want to see him fight. I do spend all that time repairing his scythe for him.

This decision made, he padded out of the building, never wishing to return. 

*`~

Please don't be too mean to me! *cowers* This is my first attempt at anything remotely shonen ai. I love Kamatari and wanted to do a serious fic with him in it, but it would seem wrong to make him get together with a girl. That would be too OOC for me.


	2. Lives Intertwined

There was a light breeze blowing through Kyoto, but the sun was shinning splendidly. It was warm out, but the scrawny boy was still wrapped tightly in his haori. He wandered down the street, lost deep in thought.

__

It was some odd twist of fate that brought us together…It was…I wasn't even looking and I found happiness with him. How strange an idea…Happiness with another man. But I suppose you can't help who you love. He sighed heavily, as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders. _And yet…_

So long ago…How many years was it? Seven? Maybe. I don't quite recall. But that day…

~Flashback~

"Oi, little boy…Wake up!" 

"Nani?" Misharei woke up to some one lightly shaking him by the shoulder. He felt numb and empty. Hunger gnawed at his stomach and he shivered involuntarily. Huddled under a ratty blanket, he was freezing; the tips of his fingers almost purple with cold. _I'm so tired…But some one is talking to me…It would be rude if I ignored…_He looked up, his vision slightly blurred by his fatigue_…her._

"Okite kudasai…You can't stay here in the snow." 

He felt a gentle hand on his head, smoothing back his thin hair. He rubbed his eyes, his fingers stiff as he curled them into a fist. Looking up again, his bleary eyes came to rest on the smiling face of a young woman. She was dressed warmly, carrying a pack and also what appeared to be a very big scythe. "I have nowhere to go, Josei-san." His teeth chattered as he spoke; he was so cold.

"Little boy," He felt himself lifted from the snow. He was annoyed that she was calling him that. He wasn't little! Eleven years old…Just because he was tiny. Just because he had no home and hardly anything to eat. Every one thought he was little.

"I'm n-not…little…" He stumbled over the words, feeling slightly warmer then.

"Nor am I a woman." 

"Nani??" He looked up again, pushing his hair from his eyes. Had he heard correctly? Or was he just so disorientated…?

"Don't worry. I'll take you some place warm and give you some new clothes and something to eat. Then you can tell me why you're out in the snow all alone. How's that sound?"

He nodded wearily, too tired to disagree. He had his dignity, but if he remained outdoors any longer, he would freeze to death.

"Don't go back to sleep, little boy. You're near frozen and might not wake up." The same gentle hand patted his cheek softly. His eyes were closing again, his energy waning. He was so tired.

The next several hours were a blur…He was in and out of consciousness for a while, his memories hazy and jumbled. There was a point where he felt very warm and thought perhaps he had died.

But live he did, proving for the only time in his life that he wasn't as weak as he appeared. By the next morning, his face was pink and his eyes clear and bright. He woke up dressed in a pristine white yukata, tucked under several blankets.

"Oh, you're awake. How are you feeling?" 

He looked up, getting a good look at the man who had saved him. Short, dark hair that flipped out on the bottom, wide brown eyes. He was still amazed that this was a man rather than a woman, but he had saved Misharei's life and the boy was grateful. "Much better. Domo arigato."

"Not a problem. Now, what's your name and why were you all alone out there?"

"My name is Kataomoi Misharei. I'm eleven years old. And I was all alone because Okasan and Otosan are dead. They died last year and I had nowhere to go. They were very sick…" He said seriously, "I'm lucky I didn't die."

"That's so sad! You must have been terribly lonesome. You can stay with me if you want. I am Honjou Kamatari, member of the Juppon Gatana and loyal follower of Shishio Makoto. I'll take you to Shishio-sama. He'll find a job for you to do."

"You would do that for me?" Misha blinked his eyes in disbelief. Often people sent him away, told him he was a good-for-nothing beggar. No one had been kind to him in the year since his parents died and he had survived on his wits alone.

"Hai. You seem like a very nice boy. It would be terrible of me to leave you on your own in the middle of the winter." 

"Can…" He began, but then stopped in mid-sentence, his face turning very red. He suddenly felt very shy. This man had saved his life. "Can I stay with you? I'll do anything you ask; anything at all," He paused, smiling shyly, "Because I owe you my live."

Kamatari's smile softened. "Hai. I'll teach you to take care of my scythe for me. I'll teach you to sharpen the blade and mend the nicks. You'll be my own little scythe bearer, Misha-kun."

"Arigato!" A grin spread across the boy's face. His velvety eyes lit up and he pounced on the young man, laughing.

"Nani? What are you so excited about, Misha-kun?" He brushed back the boy's hair, their eyes meeting. They had the same chocolate brown eyes; they sparkled the same way when they were happy.

"I'm happy, Kamatari-sama." He explained gleefully, "And I haven't been happy in a very long time."

~End Flashback~

__

I was such a baby back then…But I miss the way he hugged me. When I used to feel scared and he would comfort me. Everything frightened me. I remember…the time I was sick…when he held me in his lap. I asked him if he would ever leave me like my mama and papa and he said no. 

A wan smile crossed his face. _I loved him like both a mama and a papa back then. If only I'd known…_

He stopped abruptly. What had once been the Aoiya was now a pile of rubble. His eyes widened. _What happened? What happened?! Where's Kamatari-sama?? _Wind rustled his bangs over his forehead and he shivered. He wanted to find out what happened, but all he could do was stand there, petrified with fear. _Is he okay? Where is he?!_

"Oi, what are you doing here?" 

Startled from his troubled thoughts, he looked up. A girl wearing a peculiar outfit with a long braid was standing before him, her hands on her hips. "Ano…Um…I…" He stammered, unsure what to say. 

Misao frowned. This boy was obviously not some poor orphan or beggar. He was dressed in fine clothes, even if the haori was a little worn looking. He was clean and neatly groomed, his hair falling lightly around his pale face. "Spit it out already!"

"Gomen…" He bowed slightly, "Are you…a part of the Oniwabanshu?"

"A part of it? I'm the Okashira! Who are you?"

"Ah…Well, Miss, I'm sort of a part of the Juppon Gatana…So we're sort of enemies." He scratched his head, causing a lock of hair to slide loose from the short ponytail. "I'd rather not be any one's enemy," He continued, seeing the look on her face, "I don't like war. I have no intention of doing any fighting and, anyway, I'm not strong enough to. I just came looking for Kamatari-sama."

Misao gulped. _He's looking for the freak?? What's he gonna do when he finds out I knocked him out? He looks okay…But he could be like the smiling kid that Himura fought…Sojiro. He looked so cheerful and then…Bam! He broke the sakabatô. I had better be careful… _"He's…umm…Out of commission."

"What did you do to him?" Misharei's eyes widened, all of their usual weariness leaving them. He looked very startled, but those eyes were full of anguish. _Is he DEAD? _His face went even more pale than usual. _What will I do without him?_

"Iie…No one died." Misao frowned slightly, "He thought he failed Shishio and wanted to kill himself…I stopped him. I don't get all that garbage about loving Shishio," She shrugged, "But I do know what it's like to be in love…I think it would be more disappointing to kill yourself over it than anything. Oops…Shouldn't have said that, should I?"

"Ne…" A queer smile crossed the boy's face, "Battôsai will get rid of Shishio. If you saved Kamatari-sama's life, I am grateful. Can I see him please?"

__

What is this boy? Misao's expression was one of disbelief. She was stunned speechless and it took a lot to stop the itachi from speaking. A member of the Juppon Gatana readily admitted to thinking Shishio would lose to Kenshin? Was the world going crazy?

"Ah…Miss?" A frown lit the Unpannin's face, "Genki desu?"

"Gomen…I was a little surprised that you'd say something like that about Shishio. C'mon this way." She beckoned him to follow her and he trotted along behind her, his yukata flapping around his ankles as he walked.


	3. No Lies

__

I hold my breath  
And close my eyes  
And I wait for paradise…

-Bruce Springsteen

***

"So…You know Kamatari how?" Misao looked over her shoulder at the boy. _How old is he? He looks so young…Like a child almost. His eyes are so sleepy looking. It's almost hypnotic. And to look at him…He's got the finest looking silk yukata, but his haori looks like it's ancient. What is his deal?_

"Ah…He saved my life when I was a child. I have been his loyal Ôgama Unpannin ever since. I don't like fighting. I don't like war at all." Misharei said slowly, "But I did want to be of some use. He taught me how to take care of the scythe. To mend the links of the chain and polish the blade. Because of him, I have found happiness."

"Happiness?" The ninja stopped walking. "You found happiness with HIM?"

"Hai. Why is that so strange? He took care of me, he loved me and he believed in me when no one else did." Misha cocked his head, studying her intently. She could be pretty, if she dressed more like a girl.

"How old are you?"

"Eighteen. And I know I do not look it. I was a poor child and hardly ever had enough food. So I was very scrawny and always will be very scrawny. How old are you?"

"…Sixteen." She admitted glumly. _How could he possibly be older than me?_

"Sixteen and Kamatari-sama lost a battle to you? You must be a very good fighter. I thank you for sparing his life. I would be lost without him." He brushed back a lock of his hair that the wind had pushed into his eyes.

"Are you in love with him?" It suddenly clicked in her brain. This boy was some one deeply in love.

"For the past two years, things have been different…But he doesn't seem to realize…" His gaze drifted up towards the sky, "For two years, I have tried to tell him. But it makes no difference. He will always love Shishio. I will never be more than a little brother."

Misao could feel overwhelming amounts of sympathy for this boy. He wasn't so different from her. She had, after all, loved Aoshi all of her life, only to get nothing in return. Every one at the Aoiya treated her like a little sister. "I understand perfectly." A sad smile crossed her face.

"Sometimes…At night…or when I'm lonely…I hold my breath and wish. I close my eyes, thinking, dreaming, and I wait for paradise. But it never comes." He sighed deeply, looking back at her, "I want to be kissed by the rain, under the gaze of the clouds. Where the only other beings are the trees. The sky…it could be so blue; the grass so green…That is my paradise. With him…"

"Did you ever tell him that?"

"How could I, knowing he doesn't love me? How could I give him my heart and soul, only to have it thrown back at me? Everything is going to change today, yet things will remain the same." He loosened the tie on his ponytail, allowing what was left of his hair to fall free. "We should have a proper introduction. My name is Kataomoi Misharei. I am the Ôgama Unpannin for Kamatari-sama."

Misao stared at him for a moment, not sure what to say. She felt funny talking to some one associated with the Juppon Gatana in such a friendly manner. "Makimachi Misao, Okashira of the Oniwabanshu."

"Now that we have taken care of that…Tell me…There is some one you love too, isn't there? What is it like to be loved?"

Misao stared at him for a moment. There, in the sunlight, his hair loose and blowing on the breeze, Misharei looked so free and at one with nature. He was a puzzle; an enigma. "I wouldn't know." She said crossly, "Aoshi-sama has never once acted like he loved me."

"Ahh…Shinomori-san. He is a very confused man."

"You've met him?"

"Hai. I do believe he was battling with Battôsai when I left. He and I had a very unusual conversation only this morning."

"Really?"

"Hai."

~*Flashback*~

"Shinomori-san, why are you still here?" Misharei had wandered into the library where Shinomori Aoshi was waiting for his own version of truth in the form of a battle with Himura the Battôsai.

Aoshi merely glared at him, those icy eyes burning into the Unpannin's velvet ones. The boy was so strange; so unlike any one else. He was otherworldly as if he simply glided through life.

"You have some one waiting for you, ne? Why don't you go back home? Naze?" He had brushed back his thin hair, his hand lingering by his cheek.

"…" The former Okashira said nothing, simply stared at Misha for a moment longer. Then, at last, he spoke. "There is a girl…But I cannot go back to her. I told her that I never wanted to see her again."

"Ah…You've made her hurt. If she truly loves you, she will forgive you, ne? Or is it, osoraku, that you cannot forgive yourself? There is much confusion in your soul, Shinomori-san." His head tilted to one side as he studied the expressionless face of the man seated before him.

Aoshi's eyes narrowed. What could this child possibly know? "I am unworthy of her love."

"Atai shinai? Unworthy?" Misha sat beside the solemn man, "Every one has done something in their life which makes them feel such a thing. Watashi o miru…I despise violence. And yet, here I am, caring for the weapons of the Juppon Gatana. Yet, does that make me unworthy? My hands may as well be soaked in blood, Shinomori-san. Before he left, I repaired a link on Kamatari-sama's chain. He is gone to fight your friends. I am responsible for his ability to harm them. Yet am I undeserving of love?"

"Iie…Your situation is different, chisaii hitori." Aoshi said bitterly, "You have not killed people with your own hands. You have not dishonored yourself and your comrades. Your past is not streaked with blood. Iie; you are innocent."

There was silence for a moment as they regarded one another; Aoshi in his ninja outfit and trench coat; Misharei, his yukata loose and billowing around his twig-like body. They were so different; yet so the same.

The teenager rose to his feet. "Remember my words, Shinomori-san. Don't fight with Battôsai. Strive for forgiveness. Look within yourself for what you truly want. This is where you will find peace." 

Then he had left the room; headed back down to the comfortable room that he spent most of his days lounging in. 

***

"Aoshi-sama said that to you? That's more than he speaks to me!" Misao exclaimed somewhat jealously. How had Misharei gotten Aoshi to open up? What was his secret? Then -and only then- did what the boy had told her sunk in. _He thinks he's unworthy of my love…_She looked sharply at the Unpannin. "Did this really happen?"

"Hai, Misao-san. I don't lie. Why would I? I have no reason to hurt you; none at all. Iie; it is not a lie."

The young Okashira looked at him a moment longer, taking in that placid face. _Himura said he would bring Aoshi-sama home to me…But this is too much._ Misha simply smiled serenely, watching her struggle with her own emotions. 

"Now take me to my lord. I want to see for myself that he is okay."

Sighing, Misao resumed walking. Something about Misharei…He seemed so empty. So free and wild. It was as if nothing tied him down and he soared. His soul could dance; his heart could fill up with nothing and he was happy to live a life of unrequited love. The Unpannin truly was a free spirit.

Misha tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. _Everything is going to change. Paradise will come…_


	4. Wake Up

__

What have I become   
My sweetest friend?   
Everyone I know goes away   
In the end 

-Johnny Cash

*`~

Several weeks later…

"Let me in there! You can't keep me out!"

"Oi, little boy, you're not allowed! You've been told!"

"I don't care. I have rights to see him!"

Kamatari looked up. Misharei's voice drifted into the drab room from somewhere within the police station. _Why is he here again? What is he doing? _He stared back down at the thin sheet. _I don't want to see him right now…He'll hurt because I am hurting and that's not fair._

"Kamatari-sama!" The boy burst into the room, several police officers yelling after him to get lost.

"I thought I told you to stay away from here." The cross-dresser drew his knees up to his chest and stared out the window rather than look at his companion. His voice was dull; he had lost some of his usual sparkle.

"Kamatari-sama…" He felt his throat constrict as he looked at the man he had loved for the good majority of his life. His beloved looked lifeless; lost; heartbroken. It caused his soul to ache. "Don't turn away from me." He said softly.

"Go away." The same empty voice responded. 

It broke Misha's heart. He couldn't stand it. Crossing the room in an almost spirit-like way, he sank down onto the sterile hospital bed. "I won't go away." He peered at the older man, "Tell me why it hurts so much, onegai shimasu. Why don't you open up to me any more?"

__

I don't want to hurt you… "Misha-kun, you're big enough to go off on your own. You've grown up and you don't need me any more. The Juppon Gatana is gone. There's no reason for you to be here."

"I'm not a little boy any more. Why do you insist on calling me that?" 

"Because you will always be my little Misha." Kamatari finally looked up, meeting the eyes of his loyal Unpannin. It still amazed him how he could look into Misharei's eyes and see…himself. 

"I have grown up and the Juppon Gatana is gone. I cannot deny that. But…" He paused, trying to keep his voice from shaking, "I do still need you and there is a reason for me to be with you." His eyes welled up with tears, "Shishio is dead, Kamatari-sama, but I'm not. I'm still right here. I need you. I love you…"

"Iie…You don't love me. How could you? I'm worthless. You don't love me! I'm no good for you. You would have been better off if I had left you in the snow. It's as simple as I can't love you. Misharei, I have watched you for seven years. You're a wonderful young man and I care for you more than anything in the world. You deserve so much better than me and all my emotional problems."

"I don't…I don't care!" The boy burst into tears, "Why can't you open your eyes and really see? You've been blinded by your obsession with Shishio. Now he's dead. He's dead, Kamatari! He's not coming back. You've got to move on. Onegai shimasu…" He buried his face in his hands, his thin shoulders shaking with each sob.

"Gomen, Misha-kun." Kamatari said softly, "Gomen nasai." A frown had crossed his face, making him look even more weary than before. "I never wanted to make you cry. Iie, I really didn't. Making you hurt is the last thing I wanted."

"I don't hurt because of something you said. It's not your fault." Misha wiped his eyes on his sleeve, his voice low and defeated, "I hurt because I love you. I never want to see you sad. You were always the happy one. It makes me cry when you are sad."

"Don't make this any harder. Don't keep saying things like that." _I love to see your smile; the way the wind blows your hair across your face when we're outside. But you make everything change by saying things like this… _"I can't love you. Not how you want me to. Misharei, for the past seven years, all you've known was me. You need to find something for yourself."

Misha blinked back tears, snuffling and hiccupping. He was trying to stop crying when Kamatari's gentle hand lifted his chin, forcing him to look up. "You're special to me, Tomodachi; the only one I trust. I want you to spread your wings and fly like the free spirit you are."

"There's nowhere to fly. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, everything will lead me back to you. I can't leave you and you don't seem to understand. It's not so easy as I can just go. Not when I love you like this."

They were staring at one another, their eyes locked together. A comforting scent like honey and almonds had entered the room along with the boy; the familiar aroma lingering on the air. Kamatari inhaled deeply, a trace of a smile on his face. That perfume-y smell of Misha's tea always had such a calming affect.

__

When did I come to rely on him so much? How does he do this to me? His very presence makes me feel as if I should live. And I made him cry…Something hot and wet landed on his wrist, startling him from the reverie. It was then that he realized he still held the boy's chin in his hands and scalding tears were dripping off it.

"Iie, don't cry. I won't tell you to go away again." Soft fingers traced the path of the tears, "You can stay with me."

"Itsumo?" Misha whispered through his tears. His chin trembled; his sleepy eyes wet with unshed tears.

"Hai; itsumo." For the first time in days a smile crossed his face, "I promise you. You can stay always." He brushed back the hair falling in his young friend's eyes, the feel of his soft mane the way he always imagined it would be; sliding through his fingers like water. Misharei was so beautiful; so pure and refreshing. 

More tears spilled forth. Misha trembled at the feel of Kamatari's fingers on his damp cheek. "Iie…" He snuffled, "Iie…Not unless you mean it…" _I don't want him to do this to me. Not like when I was a child and I cried. This is different._

I'm losing control. May the gods help me…It's too soon. This isn't what I want?…Is it? My heart is still broken. But…but…Misha…Can it be possible…

I care more for him than I ever did for Shishio-sama?

Why is he looking at me like that? It's such an odd expression. He is the only person whom I cannot read like a book. The one I love is a mystery to me…Misha struggled to compose himself; to regain some self-control and stop crying.

__

Hai…I love him. I think I always have. But I was afraid…Perhaps he is stronger than they all thought; able to admit his feelings many times over while I was denying the truth. Ahhh…I can imagine…To kiss him would be like rain. It would be so refreshing…

__

Nani? What is he doing? Just like all those other times I used to cry…Misha snuggled into Kamatari's embrace, his head on the other man's shoulder. "You won't ever leave me like my mama and papa?"

"Iie…" His strong arms were around the Unpannin; his face buried in that soft hair, "Never. For there is something you must still do for me." 

"Ara?" _What could I possibly do for him? My skills are useless now; those girls broke the scythe. I have nothing to offer but all of my love…_

"I need you to make one last repair." He hugged Misha tighter and was pleased to feel his thin arms hug him back, "I need you to fix my heart."

"Hai; I will try my best. I will become what you became to me. And I will bring you paradise." Misha felt as if his heart would burst. _I'm so happy…Chaa; I am so happy…_

"Get the little brat out of there! This is the fourth time he's tried to get in there and he actually managed it this time."

Both men looked up, startled at the sound of a police officer's voice. 

Kamatari smoothed Misharei's hair back, their eyes still burning together. "Ah, Misha-kun, they think you're my little brother. They think our mama and papa died when you were very small. And they think you are younger than you really are. Don't do anything to convince them otherwise."

"Hai. Dai~suki, Onii-san!" The boy smiled impishly as a police officer stormed into the room.

"Gaki! Heya kara deru!" He grabbed Misha roughly by the arm, dragging him off the bed, "Get out! You're not allowed in here!"

"Itai! Let me go! I'll leave!" He jerked out of the man's grasp, "I just wanted to make sure Onii-san was okay!" He frowned deeply, his eyes flashing with anger.

"Come on then." The officer grunted, pulling him towards the door.

"Ja ne, Onii-san! I'll come back again. I need you and you better come home soon."

Kamatari smiled, watching the teenager be escorted from the room. Misharei was such an odd young man. _He's sun and rain; he's fire and ice. He's kinda crazy, but hey, it's so nice…_

*`~

Just pointing out that you could find a meaning for almost everything in this chapter except "chaa." That's something I just like to say at the beginning of sentences. 


	5. Something Good

__

Out in this brave new world you seek  
Oh, the valleys and the peaks  
I can see you on the top

-Tim McGraw

*`~

"Have you decided to accept our offer? Or will you be here with us for a while longer?"

Kamatari looked up at the police chief. He had pondered over their proposal for a while, since the day they had offered it to him to the day Chô had lied to him about Shishio to the day Misharei barged into the room.

They wanted him to be a spy. Posing as a female exchange student, he would be halfway around the world in America. The government speculated that America would soon be a world power and they felt that this had potential to get bothersome. He could be valuable to them if he got the right sort of information. This did sound intriguing, but there was one little catch…

He refused to leave Misharei behind.

"I only go if my brother goes too." He folded his arms across his chest, referring to the younger man, "There's no one for him here. I'm all he has left."

"We can find a family for him-"

"Iie. He comes with me or I don't go." _I would never leave him behind…He means so much to me. My "brother"…Ha! If only they knew…_

The chief sighed. "Fine. We'll pay for the boy to go too. But you'll have to support him. I'm not giving him any money. We'll pay for his boat ticket and that is it."

"Hai; arigato." He nodded, his hair bobbing, "I can take care of him. I have been for a long time. And no one gave me money. I worked for it."

"You leave in three days. No 'ifs,' 'ands' or 'buts.' Your brother better be able to handle it. He doesn't look like much. The boat ride may be tough on him and I don't want any complaints."

"He'll be fine." Kamatari grunted, "Misha-kun is a lot tougher than he looks. You let me go fetch him and we could leave today." _Anything to get out of this God-awful place._

"Hai; I suppose we could do that. I'll let you go for him unescorted, only because I know you can't get too far on your own. Your knee is still not quite healed. I suppose," The chief sneered, "That's what comes of pining away like that."

A deep frown crossed the former Juppon Gatana member's face. His hand clenched around the sheet on his lap, his fingers curling into a fist. He said nothing, however, simply nodded in agreement, knowing full well there was little else he could do.

*`~

Across Kyoto, Misharei was sitting in the morning sun, his face turned heavenward. He had been holed up at the Shirobeko for the past month; running back and forth between the jail and offering as much assistance as he was able in the rebuilding of the Aoiya. 

"Misha-san, you don't need to do any of this." Misao sat down beside him, offering him a rice ball.

"Domo arigato." He accepted the food, smiling dreamily at the ninja, "Genki desu?"

She smiled cheerfully, brushing a loose strand of hair from her face. She had been very happy since Aoshi's return, in spite of the fact that he spent all of his days meditating in the shrine. She took him his tea and was quite content with that. "Genki desu ka." She said, her voice light and airy. "How are you? You've been very busy helping us and you don't even need to."

"Chaa…I'm fine. Every one underestimates me because I am so thin and small. I do wear myself out sometimes, but you do understand why I'm doing this, ne? Kamatari did something very bad. This is not his fault; he could not see for his vision was clouded by his infatuation with that terrible man. Now he is unable to repent for his sins. I will do it for him. I would willingly bear his cross."

"Just Kamatari?" Misao asked slyly. She had noticed the absence of the honorific he so lovingly attached to the cross-dresser's name. This intrigued her. Had it been simply a slip of the tongue? Or was it something more meaningful? She knew Misharei had been several times to visit Kamatari in the prison hospital. What had transpired between them?

"Hai." A slight blush crept across the boy's face. The feel of Kamatari's arms around him; the way his hair had brushed across his cheek as they embraced; it was still fresh in his mind. He never wanted to let those memories go. "He promised me…He would never tell me to go away. He wants me to fix the hole in his heart."

"Ah…Omedetô. I'm happy for you." She crammed half a rice ball in her own mouth, washing it down by scalding hot tea. "Ish he…" She paused, swallowing, "Is he going to accept their offer? Chô told us all about it before you did."

"Iie…I do not know yet. Perhaps it would be good for him to leave." He stared at his feet, his hair falling into his eyes, "But then…I would be lonely. I highly doubt the government would want to send me along."

"Demo…You can't let him leave then!" She leapt up, her cerulean eyes flashing, "America is far away, Misha!"

"Chaa…" His voice came soft and gentle, "If it will help him -if it will make him better- I will not only let him leave, I will encourage it."

"But what about your feelings? You love him. You can't let him leave. Then you'd be sad like I was all those times." 

"Ne; if it will help him and make him happy, I will be happy. As long as he is happy, that's what matters."

Misao stared at him. There in the morning sun, he looked positively unreal. Bright beams of sun highlighted the natural auburn highlights of his wind tousled hair and shown off his pale face. His velvet eyes shown brightly with a dreamlike peace; something unattainable by the normal human. "Do you ever get sad? Do you ever cry? I've never seen you with anything but a smile…"

"Hai; I get sad and afraid, just like every other person. But I do not do it in front of other people. I cry when I am alone. Because it doesn't concern any one else and it shouldn't concern any one else. But there is clarity in my life. I changed that day Kamatari found me in the snow. The course of my life was altered when I found happiness."

"Oi, Misao, come on! We've got work to do!" Yahiko appeared on the porch. He glared at Misharei; still slightly suspicious of the young man. He had rather unpleasant memories of Kamatari and Misha's open homosexuality frightened him a little.

"Hai…In a minute, Yahiko." She waved him away, "We're in the middle of something here."

"Why are you always talking to that sicko? Not only is he in love with our enemy, they're both men! There's something wrong with that." The boy frowned deeply, his eyebrows knit together.

"Will you lay off? There is nothing wrong with Misharei. He's a lot nicer than you could ever be!" She looked from one boy to the other. Yahiko had turned out to be quite the little homophobe. He disliked Misha with such a passion. Nobody understood why.

"Chaa…" Misha rose from his seat, sighing deeply. "I see you will never accept me, Yahiko-kun. I do not understand what I have done to make you hate me so, but it hurts me."

"Ohayô!" 

"Chaa!" Misharei looked up, turning away from the boy. His eyes lit up and a beautiful smile crossed his face. "Kamatari!"

The ex-Juppon Gatana was limping towards them. Kaoru had broken his knee and it hadn't completely healed, making it somewhat difficult for him to move very quickly. He was wearing the yukata from the prison still and his dark hair fell slightly rumpled around his face. 

"Itoshii hito!" The younger man launched himself at his friend, who caught him in a hug. He buried his face in Kamatari's shoulder; clinging to him as if his life depended on it. "I missed you. What are you doing here?"

"Happy to see me?" The cross dresser smiled, hugging his young friend tightly. Misha looked wonderful; he had thrived over the past month spent at the Shirobeko. He had on the usual light colored yukata, his sort hair falling loose and brushing against Kamatari's cheek. 

"Hai! I'm glad you're here, Kamatari, but why did they let you out?" He slid to the ground, looking up at his beloved.

"To come and get you." One of his hands rested atop Misha's head, "You've been good, ne? Not causing any trouble?" His hand slid down, running across his cheek, "As if you ever would." He grinned his characteristic smile, knowing this was a joke they had held between them for many years.

"Chaa…I've been _terrible _without you here to keep me in line." His chocolate eyes sparkled mischievously as he took one of Kamatari's hands in his, "Are you hungry? Come on inside."

"Iie, we need to go." He remained motionless, stopping the boy from going very far. 

"Go? Go where?" Misha's eyebrows knit together and his eyes darkened a shade.

"To America."

"Nani? I get to go too?"

"I refused to go unless you could come."

"Chaa! Dai~suki, Itoshii!" His expression grew cheery once more and he wrapped his thin arms back around Kamatari. "Chaa…You make me happy!"

"Harumph." 

They both turned to look at the sound of Yahiko's disgruntled sound. He was standing a ways away on the porch, his arms folded, his nose in the air. Misao was glaring at him, ready to beat him up at the slightest nasty comment.

"Chaa…Yahiko-kun doesn't like me much." Misha stood on his tiptoes to whisper this fact to Kamatari, "I believe he finds us both rather disgusting." His smile widened and he pulled his beloved closer to him, "Let's give him something to talk about."

"Ara?" Kamatari's ginger eyes widened, but before he had a chance to question further, Misha grabbed him by the collar and pulled him closer so that their noses were touching. His heart pounded as the teenager's lips met his in a teasing kiss. Misha's hair brushed against his forehead; tickling him and causing him to giggle mid-kiss.

"That is so gross!" Yahiko exclaimed, to which Misao punched him in the arm. "What was that for, Itachi?!"

"You keep your big mouth shut, Brat!" She replied. While she wasn't too keen on the idea of two men being in a romantic relationship, the young ninja found it easy to forget that Kamatari _was _a man. To her, it was really no different than any other couple kissing.

"What was that for, Misha-kun?" Kamatari broke the kiss, drawing back from his friend slightly. _Ahh…That was so nice. I could do it again…_

"To get a rise out of Yahiko." The impish grin had not left the young man's face, "Chaa…You can lean on me to walk back. Then you won't have to limp." He reached up, his fingers -softening once more after a month of idleness- running across Kamatari's cheek.

__

Don't do that…For the love of all that is good; don't do that…I don't think I'll be able to control myself if you do it again. He wanted to tell the boy to stop, but his voice caught in his throat and he merely nodded instead.

Misao watched as the two walked away together, Misharei with one slender arm around Kamatari's waist. A smile crossed her face as Chô the Sword Hunter's words echoed through her mind. _"Still, it's better for Kamatari to live. And maybe someday, something good will happen for him."_

__

I do believe, She brushed back her hair as it blew across her face on the breeze, _Something good has just happened for him._


	6. No Rush

__

I know you've seen all your dreams turn to dust   
I know your heart's been left in the rain to rust   
But you wont be lonely now…

-Billy Ray Cyrus

*`~

"Chaa…The ocean breeze is so refreshing." Misharei stood at the side on the ship, leaned over the railing. His hair was pulled back in that short ponytail; his long bangs blowing around his face, which held a very pleased expression.

Kamatari watched him, resisting the urge to reach over and brush back Misha's hair when the boy looked over his shoulder at him. He wanted to touch his companion; to share all the profound wisdom of what Misha was. "Hai. It is refreshing." _But only half as refreshing as being with you…_

"The sky is so blue. I find that you can see everything so much more clearly under a blue sky." He tilted his head back to regard Kamatari, sunlight glinting off the small gold hoop in his ear.

The steamer gave a sudden lurch, causing the thin boy to lose his balance. He stumbled, falling backwards into Kamatari, who caught him and set him back upright. "Chaa…" He drew in a breath. Kamatari had not released him; his back was up against his chest. "Gomen." His pale face flushed pink.

"Iie; don't apologize. It's not your fault." He loosened his grip but did not entirely let go of the boy. It felt right; holding him safe and warm; watching him shine while protecting him from harm.

Misha smiled lightly, his head back against his friend's chest. _This…This is what I have been waiting for. Hai; I do love him so. I am so pleased._ He looked up, feeling his friend tense at his movement. "Do you love me?"

He was so innocent. The older man relaxed slightly, his arm crossing Misharei's chest and reaching up to caress the boy's cheek. "I do love you. You have always held a special place in my heart."

"Iie, that's not what I mean. Do you want to share your soul with me? I want to be with you forever."

"Hai…" Kamatari whispered, "I understood." He spoke into the boy's hair, his face buried in the soft tresses. "I want to be with you also. But there are things I need to make sure of before I can give you my heart and soul."

"I want to be there to help you; chaa." The young man smiled softly, "That's what loving another person is. You care so much for another person that it doesn't matter how much they make you hurt. I will always be by your side; I love you so." He reveled in the thought of being in the other man's arms. Perhaps it was a small triumph, the two of them together like that, but it was the most he could hope for at present.

"Misha-kun, I care for you very much as well. You are truly the only person who has ever loved me. I will try my hardest to love you back."

A sweet smile crossed Misha's face. "You needent try. If you truly love me, there will be no try. It will just happen. And I do believe that you already love me. You enjoyed that kiss, didn't you?"

"Hai…Very much so. But I never knew you were so bold, kissing me like that in front of other people. Where is the shy little boy I raised?"

"I would do it again in a minute, Itoshii Hito. Chaa; I would. But only for you. Besides, it was fun making the little boy angry. He amused me so. He was frightened of me, Kamatari, as if he were worried I would make him like us."

A hint of a smile crossed Kamatari's face. "Ah…I did frighten him terribly. The weasel girl too. She was so upset that I'm sexier than her."

"Hai; much sexier." The teen nodded in agreement, twisting around in Kamatari's embrace so that they were face to face. He wrapped his arms around the ex-Juppon Gatana's waist, rested his chin against his chest as he looked up at him. "No one could ever be more sexy than you."

"Ai suru, Misha…" He stroked back the boy's hair, smiling fondly down at him. _You are the love of my life. I adore you. But I don't know if I can tell you this yet. Broken hearts need time to heal. Everything will change soon; I promise you. But there's no rush, though I need your touch…_

"Hai…I know." The grin on Misha's face was all-knowing. His natural beauty was highlighted by the red and orange rays of the setting sun, casting a golden glow around him. "Kamatari?" The man was looking at him lovingly, his ginger eyes soft and warm.

"Ara?" 

"Are you going to kiss me?" His voice was a gentle whisper as he looked up expectantly at his beloved friend. One of his hands was rested flat against Kamatari's chest, the other was still around his waist. Their eyes were locked together; their hearts both pounding wildly.

"…Hai…" He took a step back, leaning towards Misha; his hand braced on the teen's shoulder. _This will either be the smartest or stupidest thing I've ever done…_

The kiss was sweet like honey; a time stopping, soul-stirring kiss. Misha leaned back, his eyes closed as he accepted bliss; he felt as if he was going to melt. He could have become a pool of goo right there on the deck of the ship. _Chaa…I always dreamed it would be like this…_

__

Like rain…Kamatari's eyes fell shut and he prayed to every conceivable god he wasn't making the biggest mistake of his life. He was well aware that if this didn't work out, Misha would be devastated. _I never want to hurt him…I never want him to cry again like that day in the prison…Seeing him cry hurt me more than anything. _He broke the kiss, albeit reluctant, and drew back slightly.

"Stay with me…" Misharei's chin trembled and he grasped the sleeve of Kamatari's kimono between his fingers. _Such passion…I've never known anything like it before. I'm not ready for him to leave me yet._

"So dêsu…Don't cry, Misha." Kamatari's fingers ran through his hair, pushing it back from his face. "Shuzuku ni naru…" He held the boy to him protectively, his lips brushed against his forehead, "I'm not going anywhere."

"Ai shiteru." The warm feel of their bodies pressed together was making the boy somewhat sleepy. He yawned, his head once again rested against the older man's chest. _I don't think I could be any more happy than this…_

Kamatari settled down on the deck, Misha beside him. Twilight was a beautiful time of day and he wanted them to share it. The young man leaned his head on his shoulder, his bangs falling lightly into his eyes. Kamatari put an arm around his friend, hugging him close. _My darling dearest one…I hope you're happy with all of this. I want you to stay happy. Seeing you pleased makes me happy._

The stars began to come out and still they sat there together. Misharei snuggled closer to Kamatari, nestling up next to the man. He smiled, his gaze drifting up to the sky. _This is all I've waited for and I could not ask for more_. A chill ran up his spine. "I'm cold." He said softly.

"Come here…" Kamatari pulled the scrawny boy into his lap, his arms around him securely. "Of course you're cold." He chided, "You don't dress well. Look at you, wearing that same haori you've had since you were eleven."

"You gave it to me. It has special meaning. Wearing this, I feel close to you." His head fit perfectly under Kamatari's chin. He felt safe and warm, as if nothing could harm him ever. "You're my only friend and you are wonderful." His arm was around the other man's neck in a hug.

"You are my only friend also. All those times…I was very alone until I met you." The back of his hand ran across one of Misha's cheeks, causing old memories to come rushing back in both their minds. "You were just a child, but how I loved you…I wanted to watch you shine; to watch you grow. I was proud to see you grow up so polite and thoughtful. It made me feel as if I had done something right in my life."

"Chaa…" Misha sighed, "I wanted to glow for you. I wanted you to be proud of me." His hair rustled on the breeze and he snuggled farther into Kamatari's embrace, "Itoshii Hito, you were my everything. I lived for you."

"I…" Kamatari blinked, looking down at the young man. "I don't deserve that. I've killed people. I shouldn't be with some one so innocent as you. Your past isn't streaked with blood."

"Hai…Every time I so lovingly mended the chain; every time I repaired a nick in the blade, I was helping you kill some one. You were able to take life because of what I did for you." A frown crossed his face, causing it to darken slightly.

"Ne, don't frown. I hate to see you unhappy. You become very ugly when you are angry. And you should be nothing but beautiful."

"You think I'm beautiful?"

"So dêsu; the most beautiful person I know. I have always seen you as such, because you are so free. You are such a free spirit. Your soul is empty and that makes you beautiful." He brushed back his friend's hair, peering into his eyes, trying to draw from their depths some sort of meaning.

"Chaa…You are beautiful to me too. You saved my life and gave me love. How could you not be beautiful?" He took one of Kamatari's hands in his, holding his palm to his lips. "Chaa; the one I love could never be anything but beautiful."

__

I don't understand how he does this to me…Kamatari's fingers trembled as Misha's kiss sent a tingling sensation through his palm. _He makes me feel as no one before ever has. I didn't even feel this way about Shishio-sama. Perhaps there is something deeper than I ever imagined…He says all the right things at exactly the right times, as if he knows my very heart_.

"Itoshii Hito…America will be very different from home, ne?" Misharei held the cross-dresser's hand to his heart as he stared up at him earnestly. "There will be things like we have never seen before. Are you frightened?"

"A little, hai. But you and I will be together." The man smiled, "And together, there is nothing we can't do."

"We will be together forever, chaa?" _Please let him say yes…I do not think I would be able to make it on my own in America…_

"So dêsu. You are mine forever. Ai shiteru itsumo. You're my Misha-kun. I would be lost without you, probably still rotting away in that jail cell. You were the only reason I had to live after I lost everything else important to me. You called me back from darkness and I will never let you go now."

"Music to my ears, Itoshii." He rested his head back against Kamatari's chest, "Music to my ears; chaa…Because that's all I want." He yawned, relaxing into the other's warm embrace, "I want to give you everything you need and be with you. I promise, you won't be lonely now."

"Go to sleep. I'll keep you safe and warm through the night." He kissed the boy's forehead, a silent act of all his emotions. _Now that you're here in my arms I'm alive…For the first time in a long time, I know what it is to truly live…_


	7. Midnight Confessions

__

Don't wanna close my eyes   
Don't wanna fall asleep   
'Cause I'd miss you, baby   
And I don't wanna miss a thing…

-Aerosmith

*`~

It was only when he began to get cold that Kamatari carried the slumbering teenager into their cabin. Misharei was curled up in his lap, clutching the collar of his kimono lightly between his fingers, a peaceful smile spread across his face.

__

He looks even more beautiful when he's asleep. The man gently settled his friend down on the narrow bed in the ship's cabin. He covered Misha with a light blanket, then sat on the edge of the bed, observing the innocent beauty that was Kataomoi Misharei. 

The boy's eyelashes lightly graced his cheeks, as if he were being kissed by butterflies. His thin hair fell across his forehead and over his eyes. His chest rose and fell with every breathe, his smile in his sleep was a deeply satisfied one. He had immediately rolled over on his side, hugging a pillow to his chest.

__

He sleeps like that a lot…I wonder why. He's always holding something in his sleep. Kamatari brushed back a lock of Misha's hair. _Ahhh…To be in his arms…It's wonderful, the way he hugs._

The day I met him, I knew there was something about him. He was relying on me to take care of him and make everything all right. He wanted me to stay with him forever; to never leave the way his parents would. And I promised him…

Misha stirred a little, mumbling something along the lines of "chaa…how happy I am…" which caused a smile to cross Kamatari's face. _My Misha-kun, always the dreamer. Even in his sleep he is joyous. How I wish to be the same way…_

__

I love him. I cannot deny that. I love him more than anything in this world. I have always loved him so, from the moment we first met. But only now am I discovering things about the both of us.

He's not a child. He's blossomed into a man before me and I hadn't paid any attention. Kamatari studied the soft curves of his sleeping companion's features. Moonlight threw unusual shadows across Misharei's face, contorting his attractiveness into something less appealing. _The person closest to me is all grown up now…_

How alike and yet unlike we are. He also did everything out of love, yet he expected nothing in return. He knew my heart was busy elsewhere, yet he loved me anyway. He worked too hard to succeed. I remember…I remember that time he made himself sick. He was about thirteen and had been with me for two years then.

~Flashback~

"Misha-kun, you need to take a break."

"Chaa…I'm fine, Kamatari-sama!"

"Iie, please stop working for a little while and relax."

Something about him that day hadn't looked right. Kamatari knew there was something wrong with his friend, but Misha refused to admit it. He was working hard at making a new chain for the scythe, straining to bend the links just so, and using up what little energy he had fairly quickly.

"I won't stop until I'm finished."

They argued back and forth for a while in this fashion until Misha stood up to get a file and sand one of the link's edges. He rose to his feet, took one step and collapsed on the floor.

"Miru, Misha-kun…I told you." Kamatari said good-naturedly as he picked up the boy. He stroked back his hair -not quite as long then- and pressed his hand against his forehead. "My darling one, you're going to work yourself to death. You're very sick."

He'd carried the child to his bed, tucked him in under the blankets. Misha had slept restlessly for several hours, tossing and turning, mumbling things in his sleep, until he finally jolted awake, his eyes wide and frightened.

"Chaa; I was all alone. I was alone…" He rambled, "I was frightened and Mama and Papa went away. I wanted some one to come and I kept calling, but they only went farther away." Tears ran down his face and his body tremble like a leaf.

"Oh, my poor little Misha…Come here." He had pulled the frail boy into his lap, stroking back his hair, "You don't have to be afraid. I won't ever leave you alone."

Misha rested his head against Kamatari's chest, looking up at him through eyes heavy with sleep. "You won't ever leave me, will you? Not like my mama and papa…" He whispered, tears streaking down his cheeks.

"Iie…Never. We will be together until you decide you no longer need me. Only then will I leave you. Or you will leave me. Whatever comes first…"

~End Flashback~

__

He was such a frail child. He still is breakable. But now, it's his heart and I'll have to be careful not to break it. I don't want him to ever suffer. But I'm not sure I can give him all he needs right now.

He lightly ran one finger over the boy's cheek, touching that pale skin, enjoying the feel of his friend. Misha was so straightforward; so open. He was inviting; welcoming of touch, the kind of person who would hug you whether you wanted him to or not. _The way he kisses…_

He yawned, rubbing his eyes with one fist. "I'm tired, Darling." He said softly to the sleeping boy, "But I'm not ready to go to sleep yet. I'd rather tell you everything. I'd rather stay in this moment forever, open my heart and bare my soul to you. I'd do it now," He settled down on the bed beside him, "While you were asleep, so I wouldn't have to be afraid."

Misha rolled over, the pillow still clutched in his arms. Kamatari watched him, studying his face intently. His eyes moved slightly beneath his lids as if he were following something as it passed by. _I wonder what he's dreaming about…_ "Misha, if I were more brave, I would tell you I love you the way you want me to. I would tell you that I want you with me forever and I never want to share you with any one else. I don't even want to sleep now, because I'd rather stay here and watch you. I'm happy just to look at you as you sleep…"

Another yawn escaped his lips. He had no clue what time it was, but he was exhausted. "My darling dearest one, I love you deeply. I always have and I always will." HE gently kissed the boy on the forehead, "And someday, I'll be able to tell you this…" 


	8. Falling

__

I'll be the rock that will be strong for you.   
The one that will hold on to you.   
When you feel that rain falling down.   
When there's nobody else around.   
I'll be…

-Reba McEntire

*`~

Chaa…I swear he was talking to me last night; speaking the sweetest words I've ever heard…Misharei awoke the next morning to find himself wrapped up in Kamatari's arms. The pillow was between them and they were both twisted up in the sheets. The boy smiled to himself. "Itoshii Hito?"

"Mmm…" Kamatari blinked against the sunlight streaming through the small porthole. Was it morning already? He felt as if he'd hardly slept at all. He shrank down, trying to hide away from the sunlight.

"Itoshii, are you awake?" Misha's fingers ran lightly across Kamatari's forehead, brushing back his bangs. I have to go to the bathroom…He squirmed a little, hoping the other man would move. "You have to let go of me."

Finally opening his eyes, Kamatari found himself face to face with Misha. They were only inches apart, nothing between them but the pillow. His arms were around the boy, who was grinning. A very light blush crept across his face. "Gomen, Misha."

"Chaa…It's okay." The boy disentangled himself from his friend's arms, "I'd much rather stay with you, but I can't hold it in."

"Hai; go ahead." He watched lazily as the boy padded out of the room. _What was I thinking last night? _He rolled over on his back, the pillow clutched to his chest. _I'm sure he's pleased. But I don't want…_His thoughts trailed off as Misha came bounding back into the room. "About last night…I didn't do anything."

"Chaa; I know. I trust you." The teen sat back on the bed, wrapping his arms around Kamatari, "I love you. Part of love is trust."

The former Juppon Gatana melted into his embrace, returning the hug. _How is it that this frail little boy can make me feel so safe and warm? He welcomes me in with every look, every touch. I was a fool to try and fight the love I feel for him…_

"I know you're confused." Misha said softly, "I know you aren't sure what you want or need yet." He closed his eyes, holding his beloved close to his heart, "But I'll be with you every step of the way as you find things for yourself." 

"Arigato…" The older man tried to gulp back tears, but it wasn't a very effective attempt. His velvety eyes welled with tears and he began to cry. "It means a lot to me…You are…You're my strength when I am weak. I love you…" He sniffled, "I love you so much. I never want to hurt you, but I know I will…"

"Iie…You could never, ever hurt me, Itoshii Hito. Never. My heart is much stronger than every one thinks. I would willingly bear any pain for you if it meant your happiness. I would take away all of the bad things if I could." Kamatari's face was up against his chest and he was crying into the front of Misha's yukata. The boy stroked his friend's hair, burying his face in the soft, feathery tresses. "I love you…I only want you to be happy…"

"I am happy with you, Darling. But there are things which won't go away, things you can't make better for me. I'm pretty messed up, my soul is so ugly." He trembled at the feel of Misha's fingers moving down his back, "And I don't understand why you're doing all of this…"

"I adore you…How many times do I need to say it? When darkness fills your heart and soul, I'll be the light that shines for you." He was also beginning to cry. _It's so frustrating, how he doesn't understand… _"When you forget how beautiful you are, I'll be the one to remind you. Chaa…you are all I need in life. Please understand this…"

What a mess they were, clinging to one another and crying. Kamatari kept repeating over and over again how much he didn't deserve Misha's love and all of Misha's replies consisted of many "chaas" and protests of how untrue this was.

"I'm not going to leave you ever." Misha finally stated, "And you had better get used to that idea." He flopped back onto the bed, pulling Kamatari down with him. Rolling over on his side, he was nose to nose with the man. "Don't cry, Itoshii, onegai shimasu." He brushed away the tears with the back of his hand, "Hohoemu…"

"You're crying too…" Kamatari sniffled, a trace of a smile on his face. _How beautiful he is like this…So pure and natural. I could kiss him…_He leaned closer, his hand running lovingly across the boy's damp cheek. "We're hopeless."

"Hopeless in love, maybe…" Misha agreed, batting his eyelashes. He smiled softly, strands of his auburn hair falling into his deep eyes. "Chaa…I have never been without hope."

"My darling dearest one, you are too much." _It's now or never…_He closed the space between them, his lips meeting those of a surprised Misharei. He wasn't sure what exactly it was which astonished the boy -the endearment or the kiss- but whatever it was it left him speechless.

"Chaa…" He breathed, his face flushed and pink. He lay there for a moment, trying to gain control of himself again. _That was amazing…_His heart pounded, threatening to burst from happiness. _I didn't ask for it. I didn't initiate it. _He glanced over at Kamatari, who was looking mighty pleased with himself.

"Are you okay…?" Misharei looked stunned. His eyes were wide, his mouth open. _Did I do something wrong? I thought this is what he wanted…Shouldn't he be happy?_ "Did I do something I shouldn't have?" He brushed back a strand of his companion's hair, their eyes meeting and burning together.

Misha trembled as Kamatari's fingers brushed against his forehead. He was frightened; overwhelmed by the sudden affection of the man he so deeply loved_. I never expected…I didn't think he would…I…_His mind was a jumble. He burst into fresh tears, clutching the blanket up to his chest.

"My darling…My dearest…Why are you crying?" Kamatari asked softly. He ached to take the boy in his arms, to kiss away all of his sadness. But he wasn't sure what exactly it was causing this sudden outburst and wanted to make sure it wasn't because of him.

__

My darling…My dearest…The words echoed through his mind and he sobbed harder, scrunching down into a little ball on the bed.

"Whatever I did, I'm sorry…" The older man reached one hand towards his friend, then drew it back. "I love you." He paused, his voice hesitant, "I never wanted to make you cry."

"It's…" The boy hiccupped, "It's not your fault. I was so surprised…I couldn't help it." He rubbed his eyes, a gorgeous smile on his face. "They were happy tears, Itoshii Hito."

A slow smile crossed Kamatari's face. He sat up, laughing, pulling Misha into his lap. "I was afraid you were angry with me. Your moods shift so much. But, my darling dearest one, that was only the beginning of things to come."

"Chaa…" He rested his head on the other's lap, "Are you certain?"

Kamatari leaned over him, brushing back a strand of the boy's loose hair. "I've never been more certain of anything in my life. Last night…while you were asleep I confessed everything. I wasn't brave enough to tell you how much I love you."

"You are very brave, Itoshii. Chaa; you are. To go on with your life after all the heartbreak you endured, that takes much courage. You have opened your soul to me and I am grateful." He reached up, pulling Kamatari down close to him. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"A secret?" Kamatari's velvety eyes held a questioning expression, "Hai. Of course you may."

"I'm terribly in love with you." Misha's voice was a whisper, "And I've been hoping and praying that you would love me back. I've been a dreadful, selfish person."

"You haven't kept that a secret very well, Darling." Kamatari's fingers ran through the boy's hair, a dazzling smile on his face, "I think the whole world can see how much you love me."

"Chaa; I'm horrid at keeping secrets." Misha giggled, "But I wasn't sure if you knew yet."

"How could I not know?" He asked, feigning astonishment. He was leaned over his young friend, holding him in his arms. "I know all of your thoughts and all of your dreams."

"Chaa…As I know yours. You're wishing to kiss me again."

"And you want me to as much as I wish to do it."

"What are we waiting for then, Itoshii?" Misha suddenly pulled Kamatari down on top of him, kissing him firmly. The kiss was eagerly returned, sweet and full of passion. The younger man grinned, not caring at all about the compromising position they were in. This was all he had wanted for the past two years.

"I love you more with every passing second." Kamatari admitted, "I love everything about you, my dearest one. I want to be with you forever." His lips roamed across Misha's forehead, kissing him softly.

"I think that can be arranged…" He tweaked Kamatari's hair, "I don't plan on going anywhere."

A wan smile crossed his face. "Good." His thumb ran across Misha's chin, his fingers running around his lips. He gently kissed the boy once more, then they lay snuggled up together on the bed. "Ai shiteru, Dearest."

"Chaa…" _I couldn't be any more happy than this…_


	9. Journey

__

Life is a road and I wanna keep going  
Love is river I wanna keep flowing  
In the end I wanna be standing  
At the beginning with you

-Richard Marx and Donna Lewis

*`~

"Now Misha, hold tight to my hand. I don't want to be separated."

"Chaa…I would never stray far from your side." The boy grinned impishly, his hand tightly in Kamatari's.

Inner Harbor was bustling with activity when the steamer pulled into port. Misharei was bouncing with excitement, eager to explore. He paced back and forth on the deck, prancing around his beloved. There were so many places to go, so many people too see. They hadn't yet reached their final destination -Washington DC- but they _were _in America and the teen was excited, to say the least.

"Calm down, Darling." Kamatari smiled in amusement at his enthusiasm. _He gets joy from the most everyday things…_

"Gomen…I'm just ready to try something new. I want to look around and meet people and try some Western food."

"Soon. We need to find the officials first."

"I don't want to." The young man pouted, "Can't we just run away and begin a new life somewhere else?"

"Dearest One," His companion smiled, "I would love to do that." _To be with him -and only him- for the rest of my life would be heaven on earth._

"Then why don't we? I have a wicked idea…"

Kamatari blinked. "Ara?"

"We cannot stay in these clothes. We need some Western clothing. You-" He pointed, a devilish grin on his face, "-Will dress as a man. I'll masquerade as a little girl. You'll be my papa. We'll travel north until we find someplace we like."

"You're bold, Misha." Kamatari's pondered over this, "But it _is _a good idea. They are expecting a woman and a young boy. We would throw them off track that way…" He mulled over the situation for a while.

"Please? I know how miserable you would be in that school, chaa; I do. And you know how lonesome I would be while you were gone. You don't _want _to do what they asked. But you saw no other way out. This is your way out. You wish to be free as I am, don't you? Here's how…"

Kamatari's gaze swept across Inner Harbor; taking in the bustle of the crowded fish market. Then his ginger eyes came to rest on the expectant face of Misha. _This is an adventure worth having… _"Hai. We will go."

"Chaa! Come on. Let's go shopping!"

"Hold on a minute." The man caught his love gently by the wrist, "Look how all those girls have their hair." He pointed, "I could braid yours like that."

Misha giggled as Kamatari combed his fingers through his hair and twisted it into two short braids. "How do I look?" He smiled coyly. _This will be something new…I have never dressed as a girl before. I have never seen reason to._

"Beautiful. Now, my darling, come here to your 'papa' and we'll head off."

"Hai." He nodded, slipping his hand back into Kamatari's.

*`~

"You look absolutely adorable, Darling." 

"Arigato." Misha tugged on the hem of his skirt, then looked up at Kamatari, a slight frown on his face. "How do you dress like this all the time?" He was wearing a gingham dress with a dusty brown pinafore over it. His hair hung in two little braids on either side of his face. Looking at him like that, it was hard to tell he was a boy of eighteen. He looked about twelve.

Kamatari, on the other hand, looked more masculine than he ever had before. He had a plain white shirt on, with a pair of loose-fitting trousers held up by suspenders. Boots on his feet, a sack jacket slung over his shoulder and a brilliant violet tie around his neck.

He shifted uncomfortably. It felt so strange having the fabric of the pants between his legs. He hadn't worn men's clothes in a long time and, when he had, they had been Japanese clothes.

"Chaa…You are beautiful as a woman," Misha reached up, straightening his beloved's tie, "But you are stunning as a man."

A wan smile crossed his face. "Don't get too used to it. I don't plan on staying this way." He wrinkled up his nose, "I don't like it."

The boy laughed. "Well I don't like this. But for you, I would do anything. It's funny," His impish grin lit his face, "How we've switched places. I have always been the man in our relationship. And now…I look like a little girl."

"Iie; you're still beautiful." Kamatari looked around, making sure no one was watching, then bent to kiss the boy, "You will be beautiful to me no matter what."

Misha smiled, his face tipped upwards as he received the kiss. A slight breeze blew, twirling loose strands of his hair around both of them and tickling Kamatari's face. He drew back, observing his friend. Misha's eyes always closed when they kissed, as if their love was taking him to some dreamed of world.

The boy opened his eyes, his lashes sweeping across his cheeks. He was smiling pleasantly, his expression softened by pure bliss. "Chaa…Have I told you how much I love you today?"

"Iie," Kamatari replied primly, "You haven't. Which is unusual." A smile lit his face and he took the teen by the hand, "But I suppose by now I would know it already."

"Hai. If you didn't know by now you would be very ignorant and stupid." He grinned, "I have always believed you to be smarter and more observant than that, Itoshii."

"Don't you mock me." Kamatari scolded him, "Or I may not give you any more of those kisses you like so much. You would be in trouble then."

"That's not fair!" Misha pouted, stomping one foot on the ground. "You can't be so mean to me! I haven't done anything…"

A grin crossed the other man's face and he tugged one of Misha's braids. "I'm only teasing, Darling. I would also suffer if I did that to you. What would be the fun in that?"

"Why you!" The boy tackled him in a hug, the force of which sent him sprawling on the ground. He was laughing, his brown eyes sparkling with mirth. "You are so cruel to me, Itoshii." 

"Gomen." Kamatari smiled, kissing Misha softly, "I'll try to be nicer from now on."

"You'd better." He was sitting on top of Kamatari, pinning the man -who could have easily removed him, had he wanted to- to the ground. "We could begin with a nicer kiss." He leaned over, pulling Kamatari up by the collar and planting a spine-tingling kiss on his lips.

"I hate to be rude, my darling, but we can't stay here like this. It would look very compromising, were some one to find us." He stroked the boy's cheek, looking up at him lovingly, "I'd rather not move, but we must."

"Aww…" The boy pouted again, then reluctantly climbed off his beloved, offering him a hand to help him up.

"When we stop for the night, Dearest. Then you can kiss me as much as you like." 

This caused Misharei to smile happily, clutching Kamatari's hand tightly in his. "I suppose I can wait…" He grinned, "But they had better be very sweet kisses."

"Don't worry, Darling. They'll be the sweetest you've ever received."

"Chaa…Waiting will be very hard. But it will be worth it in the end."

"Hai. I'll make the wait worth the effort. Now come. The sooner we get a move on, the sooner we stop."


	10. Only One

__

I'm movin' on  
At last I can see   
life has been patiently waiting for me  
And I know there's no guarantees,   
but I'm not alone…

-Rascal Flatts

*`~

"It's going to start raining soon, Itoshii. Look at the sky." Misharei yawned as he spoke, his sleepy gaze on the gathering clouds.

"You're very tired, aren't you? My darling, you need to tell me these things. This is too much walking for you. We should stop for the night." Kamatari looked at Misha. The teen looked weary; he was walking slowly, trailing his bag behind him.

"Iie; I'm okay." He lied, "I'm not tired yet." _I have to keep going. We need to get as far away as possible…_Even thinking this he was yawning.

"I'm hurt that you would lie to me, Darling." Kamatari stopped walking and regarded his companion. "You're ready to fall asleep on your feet."

"Hai…" Misha admitted, another yawn escaping his lips, "Gomen nasai…"

"Iie, don't be sorry. I should have realized sooner. What kind of friend am I if I don't even realize when my dearest one is tired?" 

A sleepy smile crossed his face. "Chaa…" He whispered, "You are my loved one no matter what."

"Come here." He drew the worn out boy into his arms, hugging him to his chest, "You go to sleep. I'll carry you."

"Iie," A slight blush crept across his face, "I can't let you do that."

"You can't?" He simply lifted the boy from the ground, holding him in his arms. "How do you plan on stopping me?" He reveled in holding the boy, hugging him tight and keeping him safe. There was nothing he would rather do than hold him.

"You said you'd be nicer." Misha laid his head on Kamatari's shoulder, "You said you would be sweet to me." He yawned, wrapping his arms around his beloved's neck. 

"Dearest one, I am being very sweet. You seem to not care anyways; you're getting very comfortable with me. I don't think you would be hugging me, were I being mean to you." He teased, stroking Misha's thin hair back from his face. He kissed him on the forehead, "Now, my darling dearest one, go to sleep. I'll take care of you."

*`~

Misharei awoke later in the evening to find himself tucked into bed, his hair down long around him. He was wearing his favorite yukata, the blankets were pulled up to his chin. He felt warm and comfortable and a lot less tired than before.

He stretched, looking around the room. _Where is Kamatari? And where, for that matter, am I?_ It was a pretty bare chamber; wooden walls, wooden bed, small dresser and a night stand. There was a cross on the wall and one small window, through which pale moonlight streamed.

"Itoshii Hito?" He questioned softly, peering through the darkness. There was no response. Sighing, he leaned back against the headboard of the bed. _Where has he gone…?_

__

This is so strange; what we are doing. But, chaa, I am oddly content with it…He hugged the blanket up to his chest, _I would do anything for him…Anything at all. He is my world. I love him more than my own life. I would die to make him happy…_

"Oh, You're awake." Kamatari came bustling back into the room, looking much more like himself. His feet were bare, he wore a yukata tied loosely around the waist and he looked…Misha studied him for a moment…wet.

"Chaa; where have you been?" The young man sat up, still clutching the blanket between his fingers, "I woke up and I was lonely."

"Gomen nasai…" The other man crossed the room, settling himself on the edge of the bed. "You don't look quite so sleepy now."

"Where were you? You're soaking wet." Misha fingered a sopping lock of Kamatari's dark hair, "Are you cold? You had better go change, then come back over here to me. What would I do if you got sick?"

"Hai; you are right, Darling. I promised you kisses I have yet to deliver." He rose elegantly and wandered over to his things. "You were right," He said over his shoulder as he slid the wet robe off, "It did rain. And I got caught in it. It's kind of cold out there now."

"Poor baby…Come over here to me. I can warm you up." He held out his arms, wiggling his fingers; waiting, yearning to fill the void in his life with all that was Kamatari.

Kamatari looked over his shoulder at him, a slightly seductive smile on his face. "Ara? You'll warm me up? And how will you do that?"

"First I thought I would just hold you for a while." That impish smile crossed the young man's face for the hundredth time that day, "Then I would kiss you, followed by more cuddling."

"I'd like that…" Kamatari sounded almost _shy _about it. His smile softened and he fiddled with his sleeves. He felt very warm and knew he was blushing. _Why am I so nervous all of a sudden? What do I have to be nervous about? I'm so scared…_

"Are you trembling, Itoshii?" Misha asked softly, "Come here…Chaa; I don't want you to be cold." The terrified look in Kamatari's eyes saddened him. The older man was nervous and he wondered why.

Kamatari slowly crossed the room back to the bed. His legs felt like lead and his heart was pounding. _Will he want more from me than just kisses? Can I give him more? Am I capable of giving him all that he needs right now? _He sank down next to the scrawny boy, resting his head on Misha's shoulder.

"What's wrong, Itoshii Hito?" Misharei's arm slid around Kamatari's shoulder; he fingered the short locks of his companion's hair. "What are you so tense about?" His other hand found it's way under Kamatari's chin, drawing their faces close together for a gentle kiss.

The kiss seemed to help. He relaxed slightly, his ginger eyes filling with tears. "I'm so confused, Darling…I…I want to be with you. But I don't know if I'm what you need." He whispered. He looked away, not able to look into Misha's sleepy eyes.

"It doesn't matter if you're what I need. It's as simple as you're what I want. For the past seven years, you have helped me grow into something beautiful." He hugged the older man close, their faces pressed together, "And now, I will help you grow into something more beautiful than words can describe."

That was all it took. Kamatari dissolved into tears, burying his face in Misha's shoulder. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry. Making you go through all of this…it isn't fair to you."

"Shh…It's okay. I would go through hell for you, Itoshii." The young man held his beloved in his arms, one hand rubbing his back in a soothing fashion. "I love you. I will never leave you."

"I don't want you to leave…I'm just so scared of what will happen in the future. I thought I was in love before and it all fell apart." He snuggled tighter to Misha, clutching him desperately, as if afraid he would be taken away right then. "I'm so terrified that something will happen to you and I'll be alone."

"Iie…You will never be alone." Misha assured him, "I will always be there. I will always love you. I want you to be the only one in my life." He kissed the top of Kamatari's head; his hands running down, arms circling tightly around Kamatari's waist.

"Ai shiteru…" The former Juppon Gatana's voice was barely audible. _He truly is wonderful and he truly loves me. _A few more tears slid down his cheeks. _No one has ever loved me like this. Never. I am so grateful to him. I love him so much…He is my strength when I am weak…_

"I know, Itoshii. I know." His hand ran across Kamatari's cheek, caressing it lovingly. "I know it all, even the things you do not say to me. You're heart is like mine…I understand everything." His lips landed where his hand had been on Kamatari's cheek only a moment before. "Now, you promised I could kiss you. Don't start being mean again." He teased.

Kamatari smiled weakly. Misha's hands were running up and down his spine, causing his entire body to tremble with pleasure. He nearly melted at the touch of the young man's spindly fingers. Their lips met; tongues sliding together and fighting a battle he seemed to be losing. His mind was an oblivion; his heart beating wildly within his chest. 

__

I love him.

You don't deserve him.

But he loves me.

You'll only mess up his life. 

But I **love** him…

All it took was one fluid motion and they were both down flat on the bed, Misha on top of Kamatari, kissing him passionately. The boy's hands were busy, searching for-

"Don't." Kamatari's voice came out a hoarse whisper. He was scared senseless, knowing that his companion wanted more from him than he was capable of delivering.

"Sumimasen…" Misha's face reddened slightly and he drew back, "I was getting a little ahead of myself. I don't want to make you uncomfortable." He settled back down, his head on Kamatari's chest, "I won't do anything you don't want me to."

"I want you to. But I don't trust myself. When the time is right, Dearest, I will let you do whatever you please. You must be patient with me."

"I'll try my best." He snuggled closer to his beloved, "Will you just hold me? Please?"

"So dêsu…" Kamatari's strong arms folded around the slender boy, holding him near. He loved the warmth of having some one in his arms; that feeling that came from knowing some one loved him back. _I wasn't even looking and I found something so wonderful._

Someday, I will find the strength to tell him…

I live for him…


	11. Friction

__

It's not where you're born  
It's where you belong  
It's not how weak  
But what will make you strong  


-U2

*`~

__

Hmm…Something is on top of me…Ugh…I slept like the dead, but where am I? And what is…?…Misha…

A slow smile spread across Kamatari's face as his brain un-fogged and he remembered where he was and what had transpired the night before. His young friend was asleep still, curled up on top of him, his hair falling loose around them both. 

__

Last night was nice…I know he wanted to do more, but he respected that I didn't. He is so good to me; never taking advantage of me. This is how I know he loves me…Kamatari lay there, absently stroking Misha's back as he thought, _My wonderful darling…How I love him. I wish my heart weren't still hurting so…Then we could be happy as he desires._

Misha smiled in his sleep, wrapping his arms around Kamatari. He nestled his head against the other man's chest, causing Kamatari's face to flush scarlet. Then he smiled, running his fingers through Misha's hair, inhaling the fresh, clean smell of the boy. "Wake up…"

"Mmm….Five more minutes." He swatted at Kamatari's hand, pulling the blanket up over both of them. He was tired. It was too early to get up. The sun was too bright and he wanted to hide himself away from it.

"Darling, we have a busy day ahead of us. I'm sure you'd rather stay in bed, but it's time to get up." 

"But I don't want to yet…" Came the mumbled reply from under the covers.

"Dearest one, please. We need to get moving soon." 

"I'm tired though…" Misha pouted, his face poking out from among the blankets. 

Kamatari smiled. His companion looked so ridiculous, the blanket around him like a hood, strands of hair falling in his eyes. "Darling, I know you're tired. And I'm sorry, but we need to get up."

"All right." He yawned, pushing his hair from his eyes, "Because you want me to…"

"That's my good boy." Kamatari teased, speaking to Misha as if he were still a child.

"Do I get a kiss for being a good boy? Onegai shimasu?" He smiled affectionately, "Or just a kiss good-morning?"

"Hai." His fingers traced across Misharei's lips, leaning in to kiss him softly. His heart quivered with joy every time their lips met; he felt very serene just being in Misha's presence. There was something calming about the boy; some soothing quality. His hand caressed his dearest one's cheek, their kiss deepening. 

Their tongues were invading one another's mouths; searching, seeking, each looking for some sort of answer within the other. It was soft; sweet; passionate, and Kamatari wondered how long he would be able to last before he gave in to all of Misha's advances. The thing that scared him most -the thing he was most terrified of- was not being able to fulfill the boy's desires. Suppose he failed miserably?

"Chaa; ai shiteru…" Misha mumbled as his lips traveled down towards Kamatari's neck, "I want to be with you always."

The older man moaned with pleasure, his face buried in Misharei's hair. He was so content to stay where he was, his darling friend curled up on top of him. _Is this the paradise he promised to bring me?_

The young man nuzzled against his beloved, his head rested under Kamatari's chin. One of his hands was under his own chin, the other was running up and down his companion's side. He was totally in control and he knew it. His strong, sexy, beautiful Kamatari was so afraid of him. It made little sense in his mind, but he didn't care. They were together and that was what mattered. "Why are you frightened of me, Itoshii?" He asked softly.

"I'm not frightened of you. Iie; I'm not. I am frightened of failing you the way I failed Shishio-sama." His eyes stared in to Misha's velvety brown ones; he could see himself reflected in those big, soulful eyes.

"You won't fail me." A knowing look crossed Misha's face, "And even if you do, it won't matter. I'm here to catch you when you fall. I will hold you up so that you can fly higher than ever before." One small hand brushed the hair back from Kamatari's eyes, "Kamatari, if you fail, you'll try again. We have a lifetime to get things right."

A soft smile crossed the older man's face. He was touched by Misharei's seriousness and he could tell the boy meant everything he said, simply because he called him by name rather than Itoshii. "You will never give up on me, ne?"

"Iie…Iie; konrinzai. I love you. Why would I give up? I told you. I want to be with you always. And I meant it, Kamatari." His eyes were nothing but pure honesty, his expression sincere, "You are all that I want in my life."

"Domo arigato, Dearest…Now, we must get up." Kamatari sat up, forcing the boy up with him. 

Misha shifted on his lap, wrapping his thin arms around Kamatari's neck. He wasn't ready to get up and he wanted to stay exactly where he was. He could be very stubborn if he saw the need and right then was one of those times. _I want to stay here all day and just be with him. I need some time alone with him when we are both awake. His heart is still hurting and he needs healing…_

"Iie; stop it, Misha. I mean it. It's time to get up." Kamatari gently removed the boy's arms from around him and looked at him, "Now get off of me."

"But-"

"No. I'm sorry. We need to move. We can't stay here any longer. I promise you, when we get to where ever it is we are going, we can stay in bed as long as you like."

"You mean it?"

"Hai; I mean it."

"All right…" The young man sighed wearily and rose to his feet. "But I'm not wearing that dress again. I want my old yukata back."

"Go ahead. I was planning on wearing a kimono anyway. I just don't feel comfortable in those clothes. It was…odd." He wrinkled up his nose, causing Misha to laugh.

"I agree. I think you're much sexier as a woman anyway." A roguish smile crossed the boy's face and he looked over his shoulder as he pulled a light green yukata from among his things. "I'll be chasing other men away from you."

"Will you be jealous?" Kamatari had also risen and was looking through his things. He chose a pink kimono embroidered with blue flowers and green leaves. The green of his obi was the same shade as Misha's yukata.

"Of course. I would be terribly jealous. Because I want you all for myself." He crossed the room to help Kamatari tie his obi, knotting it neatly in the back. Then he slid his arms around his beloved's waist, his forehead rested against the other man's back. "I want to be naughty and not share."

Kamatari looked over his shoulder and Misha looked up, then their eyes met and they both smiled. "You'll have no need to share me because I don't want any one but you." He reached back and brushed a strand of Misha's hair from his eyes, "Now then…I'm hungry. Let's go find some breakfast."

The boy nodded. "Hai."

*`~

"Itoshii? How far north do you suppose we'll be going?" Misharei asked as he picked at his breakfast. American food was so different from Japanese food and he didn't like it very much.

"I'm not sure, Darling." Kamatari smiled faintly at him, "Please eat your breakfast. You're too thin already."

"But I don't like it." He whined, "I miss miso and fish and rice…Food here is so strange." He poked at a mound of fried potatoes on his plate, "There isn't even good tea here." A sigh escaped his lips and he looked up at his companion, "I miss Kyoto."

"Gomen, Misha. It's my fault that we're stuck here." The former Juppon Gatana paused, "That man over there -the one in the corner- keeps looking at us." He frowned.

"What do you mean, 'that man keeps looking at us'?" Misha glanced over his shoulder. Sitting at a table in the corner was a man with light skin and thick, dark hair. He was dressed casually; a white shirt, gray vest and slacks. "Do you suppose he's one of the officials?" His sleepy eyes widened, "Chaa; could he have come looking for us? We're going to get in trouble!" A panicked look crossed his pale face.

"Don't worry, Darling." Kamatari soothed him, "I won't ever let anything happen to you."

"But-" The boy began. Then his face went white and he shrank down in his chair. "He's coming over here!"

"Misharei! Settle down…" The older man said calmly, "We'll be fine."

"Excuse me…"

They both looked up at the sound of a deep, rich voice. The man had appeared in front of their table and was looking down at them. Time stood still for a moment. Misha hadn't understood what he said, but Kamatari knew enough English to get the gist of it.

"Hai?" He blinked his ginger eyes, running one hand through his hair, "Can I help you, Sir?"

"I was wondering…" He spoke with a very heavy accent, "Where are you from? Your clothing is very beautiful."

"Ah, arigato. My friend and I are from Japan." A secretive smile crossed Kamatari's face, "And you? Where are you from?"

"Yugoslavia. An' I've been rude, haven't I? Where are my manners. I should be giving a proper introduction to such a pretty lady." 

This caused Kamatari to blush slightly. Misharei, on the other hand, frowned. He understood the words 'pretty lady' well enough to be jealous. "Nani? Itoshii, nani?"

The cross-dresser ignored him, still gazing up at the Yugoslavian man. Misha slumped down in his seat. This wasn't fair. No; it was not fair at all. He couldn't understand them. And hadn't Kamatari said he didn't need to share?

"The name's Dominick. Dominick Kresock. I'm headed up to Pennsylvania."

"Ohayo gozaimasu, Dominick-san. I am Honjou Kamatari. This," He indicated the disgruntled boy by his side, "Is my dearest friend, Kataomoi Misharei."

Dominick looked at them both. The boy not only looked very young, but also very angry. The woman, on the other hand, was smiling cheerfully, her brandy-brown eyes lit with happiness. "Are you traveling?"

"Hai; headed north. We don't know where exactly yet."

"Maybe we could travel together for a while."

"Perhaps."

"Chaa! Iie, I don't want that!" Misha tugged on Kamatari's sleeve, "I only want me and you. Nobody else."

"Gomen nasai, Darling, but we can't ignore the rest of the world. It doesn't work quite like that. We don't know where we're going anyway. We might as well tag along."

"Hai…" Misha sighed, trying to calm himself down. _There's nothing to get upset about. There's no reason to be jealous. So there's a good looking man telling my beloved he's a pretty lady. So he wants to travel with us. So he sees me as a child…It's no big deal._

Yeah right.

Dominick blinked his dark eyes, his gaze shifting from one of them to the other. They'd been speaking in Japanese and he didn't understand a word. "The little boy looks pretty angry." He commented.

"Chisaii hitori!" Misha exploded in rage, "I'm not a little boy! I'm eighteen years old! Chaa; Kamatari, tell him!!" He exclaimed. He leapt up from his seat and his usually pale face went red as he glared at the Yugoslavian man.

"Shizuka ni naru, Anata." Kamatari placed a hand on the boy's shoulder, "He doesn't know." Then he looked back at Dominick, "Don't call my Misha a little boy, onegai shimasu. He is a man, eighteen years old, and he's sensitive about it. It's not his fault he looks like a child and it hurts his feelings when people assume he is one."

"Oh. I'm sorry." He looked at Misha, taking in that pretty face; the wide, mournful eyes -lit with anger- the long, loose strands of brownish-red hair, the pale, smooth skin. He was a very attractive yet childish-looking man.

Misha grunted, pointedly placing Kamatari's arm around his shoulder. He looked up at them both, wondering what Dominick would think if he knew his companion were really a man. A devious smile crossed his face. _If he tries to take my Itoshii away, I can always tell him the truth…_

*`~

AN: Yeah, I know that "Anata" is the affectionate term from a woman for her husband. But I figured it would be okay to use since Kamatari is sort of the woman in this relationship. So no complaining about it! ^^;;


	12. Déjà Vous

__

It's raining again  
Oh no, my love's at an end.  
Oh no, it's raining again  
and you know it's hard to pretend…

-Supertramp

*`~

"Beautiful weather we've been having, no?" 

"Hai; it is beautiful."

Misharei stared down at the dusty road, ignoring the two people walking in front of him. He and Kamatari had been traveling with Dominick for a week. The two older men were on good terms, but the teen was left out. Dominick made very few attempts to talk to him -probably because Misha understood very little English- and seemed to dislike him a lot. 

The two were chattering together in broken English, discussing the weather. Every now and then the boy would understand snatches of the conversation, but he felt like they were ignoring him. _This is terrible…I've hardly gotten more than a kiss in the past week. I can't stand it. This isn't fair!_

Apparently, Dominick had spoken too soon. As they continued on, the weather changed drastically. Dark clouds rolled across the horizon and a strong wind began to blow.

__

This weather is perfect for the mood I'm in. They seem so happy, talking and laughing about things and not including me just because I don't understand. Kamatari, he could be explaining what they're talking about, but he is ignoring me too. But I suppose…I suppose if this is what it will take to mend his heart, I will have to let him go…Even if it hurts…

Even if…

…My heart gets broken.

Kamatari looked up at the gathering clouds. He wrinkled his nose when a rain drop landed on his forehead. Rain was not a good thing. Not when one was wearing silk. He frowned slightly. The weather had been very nice for the past seven days. Traveling with Dominick-san had been pleasant, except Misha didn't seem happy at all.

He glanced over his shoulder at the teenager. Misha was walking with his eyes glued to the ground, his sandals flapping as he trod. This was very un-Misha-like. Usually, he had his head held up high, taking in everything around him. _I wonder what's wrong…_

"Is the little boy okay?" Dominick's gaze followed Kamatari's. The kid had been very quiet and he didn't seem like the kind to keep quiet. Especially not after his outburst that first day. He wondered what exactly the relationship between Kamatari and Misharei was. It seemed that they were very affectionate with one another. 

"I told you not to call him that." Kamatari reminded the other man. It was at that moment that it began to pour rain. He pushed his bangs from his eyes as he stopped walking to wait for Misha to catch up. "Genki dêsu ka?"

Misha looked up, startled. His loose hair was plastered to his forehead; rivers of water ran down his face. Or were those tears? Something about the boy had been off lately. Was he crying? There was anguish in his eyes. "What's wrong, Anata?" Gentle fingers pushed back the boy's hair, allowing his whole face to be seen.

Misha's chin trembled. He looked into the eyes of Kamatari, so full of love and compassion, and tears overflowed from his eyes. "Hold me…Onegai shimasu…I don't want to be alone…" He stared up at his beloved, his hands limp at his sides, tears dripping from his chin.

"You're not alone." Kamatari said softly, "I'm right here. I've been ignoring you, haven't I?" He wrapped his arms around the young man, holding him close, "Gomen nasai…Forgive me, Dearest. I'm so sorry."

"It's just…I…I…I don't want to lose you…" He whispered, "I don't…" He buried his face in the front of his beloved's kimono, unable to go on. "Ai shiteru…Itsumo, ai shiteru…"

"Ara…Don't cry…I'm sorry. Sumimasen…My darling dearest one, please don't be sad." He lifted the boy into his arms, hugging him tightly. "I hate to see you cry."

This caused him to cry harder. He hid his face among the wet silk, sniffling and hiccupping. He was so distraught and confused that he couldn't even speak. He wouldn't have known what to say, had he been able to speak. He simply remained there in Kamatari's arms, sobbing.

"Look at me, Anata." Kamatari said gently, "Look at me; don't hide your face." He placed two fingers under Misha's chin, lifting his face so that they were looking at one another. The teen was bleary-eyed, his face red and wet with tears. It broke Kamatari's heart to see him like that. He pushed back Misha's hair, ready to kiss him on the forehead, when he realized…"You're burning up, Misha!" He exclaimed in alarm.

"Chaa…" He whispered sleepily, laying his head back on Kamatari's shoulder.

"Why didn't you tell me, Darling? You're sick…This being in the rain isn't going to be good for you…" He fretted, "You need to go to bed and right away."

"Mmm…" The boy mumbled incoherently, his arms loosely around Kamatari's neck. "…I'm sleepy…"

"You go to sleep. I'll take care of you. I promise that I'll make sure you're okay. Because I love you more than anything." He looked up from his drowsy companion, meeting Dominick's dark eyes. "We need to find a place to stop, Dominick-san. Misha is sick."

The Yugoslavian man regarded him for a moment. The conversation between the two had been entirely in Japanese. He had no clue what was going on. _Something seems to be wrong with the little boy. She's really worried about him. I wonder how much she loves him…Suppose they're lovers? Ha…that's ridiculous. He's no more than a child… _"Right then. The next place we come to we can stop."

"Domo arigato. I thank you. If anything were to happen to Misha, I would be terribly lonely."

"You don't have to worry about that. You've got me, no?" His dark eyebrows went up and half a smile crossed his face.

Kamatari looked at him for a moment, a peculiar look on his face. "You are not my Misha." He said somewhat crossly, "It would be entirely different." He looked back down at the boy, who gazed sadly up at him. "Dai-suki, Anata." He said softly, stroking back the young man's damp hair, kissing him tenderly on his forehead.

"Chaa…" Misha's eyes closed slowly, settling into Kamatari's arms_. I'm so sleepy. I just want to sleep for the rest of my life…And not have to worry about anything…_

*`~

"Tell me, how are you and the little boy connected?" Dominick was watching as Kamatari flitted around the hotel room, taking care of Misharei. The boy lay in a restless sleep, tossing and turning among the sheets and moaning softly. 

"He is an orphan. I rescued him from a life of poverty when he was a child. And we have been together ever since." Kamatari looked up from mopping the sweat off his friend's forehead, "He is my darling one; my dearest. The most wonderful friend a person could ask for. My Misha is a free spirit. I want to live the way he does. I want to be unrestrained and happy as he is."

"He doesn't seem very happy." Dominick commented off-handedly as he ran a hand roguishly through his dark hair.

__

That's because of you…These words were on the tip of Kamatari's tongue. But he held his tongue and frowned lightly. _He is jealous of you, Dominick-san…He thinks I'm falling in love with you. How wrong he is…_"He doesn't like it here in America. He misses Kyoto and all of the people he knew. He and Misao-chan became quite good friends in the month they knew one another. He was sad to leave her."

"Ah." Dominick nodded slowly, "I understand. I left family and friends back in Yugoslavia. This Misao…She is some one he loved, no?"

"No. She wasn't. She was merely his friend, some one whom he enjoyed spending time with. Misao-chan has a man she loves very much; much in the way Misha loves me." He smiled sadly down at the boy, still sleeping fitfully, "Ai shiteru, Anata." He whispered.

Dominick looked at him curiously. _What is she saying? I wish she wouldn't do that…I hate not understanding. Women are hard enough to understand as it is. _He furrowed his brow. 

"I'm going to get fresh water. His fever still hasn't broken. I worry about him so…" He rose from the bed, his hand lingering on the young man's flushed cheek, then he looked up at Dominick. "If he wakes up, tell him I will be right back, onegai shimasu."

"All right." The man agreed with a nod. He watched as Kamatari sauntered away, his eyes following the 'woman' out of the room. _She is so sexy…_Then he looked over at Misharei where he was curled up on the bed, clutching a blanket between his fingers. _What is so special about that boy? Why is he such an amazing person? What about that child is so wonderful? I just don't get it…_

"Chaa…Kamatari…" The boy rolled over, grabbing the sheet again, his fingers clenching. Sweat rolled off his face and he was frowning intently. "Don't leave me…I need…Shishio…I hate…Onegai…shimasu…" He curled up, shrinking down into a corner of the bed.

__

I wonder what he's dreaming about…Can't understand a word he says. Strange child…

Suddenly, the boy jerked awake. He sat up, tangled in the blankets, nearly falling off the bed in the process. "Kamatari! Kamatari, kare wa doku ni imasu ka?" Tears ran down his face and he rubbed his eyes. "Please…Where is Kamatari?" He looked up, his face drawn and pathetic.

"She went out to get more water. She's getting sick of taking care of you, little boy." The man sneered. "You're too much trouble."

Misha blinked, wiping tears from his eyes. "Nani?" He whispered, his voice shaky. What had he said? He was speaking too fast, saying words the boy didn't understand. He wanted to tell him to slow down and speak clearly, but didn't know how. More tears spilled down his cheeks. His head hurt, his chest ached and he wanted to go home.

"Misha!" 

He looked up, his eyes wide and startled. He was sitting on the bed, the sheets twisted around his thin body. His face was flushed, his yukata hanging loosely from his frail form. "…Itoshii…" His face crumbled and he burst into fresh tears.

Kamatari set the bucket on the floor, crossing the small room to the bed. "What's wrong, Anata? What happened?" He drew the boy into his arms, holding him close, "Tell me…Please don't cry."

"…Never leave me; chaa…" The boy sobbed, "I had a terrible nightmare…That you had killed yourself over Shishio and I was alone…Please, promise you will never leave." His arms were wrapped tightly around the older man, as if he were holding on for dear life. 

"I won't go anywhere." He rubbed Misha's back soothingly, "I'm not going to leave you. My darling…My dearest, I love you. Remember that I will always love you. You are the only thing I have ever done right in my life, Anata. I'm not going to leave you now."

"When…" The boy sniffled, "When I woke up and you weren't there…It scared me more than anything."

"Gomen nasai. You're still feverish. I wanted to get fresh water. Believe me, Darling," Kamatari's chin rested on the top of the boy's head, "I had no desire to leave you."

"Am…Am I very much trouble for you?" Misha could feel his friend's heart pounding within his chest. He knew deep down that they belonged together; that their hearts beat as one, but wasn't quite sure if Kamatari agreed. He pulled away, looking up and into his companion's eyes. _I search for the peace in your eyes…_He thought sadly, _but they're as empty as paradise…_

"You're no trouble at all." Kamatari buried his face back in the young man's hair, "You could never be any trouble to me." He paused, "I would kiss you, but I don't want to get sick too."

__

I don't believe you…

I want to. 

But I don't. "Can you hold me in your lap? The very way you did when I was younger…When you stroked my hair and I used your chest as a pillow." 

"Mochiron…Anything you want, Darling." Slender fingers ran over the young man's silky locks and soft lips roamed across his forehead. He settled into Kamatari's embrace, trying to forget all his misery and his current state of confusion. 

*`~

AN: Just because few of you know…Dominick Kresock was a real person. He was, in fact, my great-great-grandfather. He came to America from Yugoslavia in the 1890's and lived in northern Pennsylvania. I know this story would take place sometime in the 1870's (don't know the *exact* year) and Dom-san would still be a kid (or possibly not even born then…^^;;) but I didn't have any relations here in the 1870's and I wanted them to meet some one I'm related to. Cool, ne?


	13. Finding Paradise

__

I thought of you and the years   
and all the sadness fell away from me  
And did you know...  
I never thought that you'd lose   
that light in your eyes

-Pink Floyd

*`~

Kamatari was thinking. Things were not going well at all. Misharei was making a slow recovery, the weather was terrible, they'd been in the same place all week and Dominick…Well, Dominick was beginning to get on his nerves.

It was a Sunday morning and the sun was trying to break through the clouds. Dominick was gone to morning mass. Misha was still asleep. The young man had vomited several times over the course of the night and Kamatari had sat up with him, rubbing his back and cuddling with him as he cried.

__

I'm exhausted…I don't know how much longer I can do this. But Misha…He needs me. He can't take care of himself. Kamatari rubbed his forehead wearily. _I need to sleep_.

Wind rustled his hair as he rose from his seat on the porch. He gazed up at the sky, wondering if it would rain or if the sun would win the battle and come out. He hoped it would get nice again. The damp weather could not have been good for Misha.

The young man was sprawled out across the bed; his hair long and loose, the sheets twisted around his frail body. _If I go to bed, will he be okay?_ Kamatari looked down, watching as Misha rolled over on his side, leaving a good portion of the bed empty. _I don't suppose it would do any harm to stay here with him…_

He crawled into bed beside the boy, drawing him into his arms. This caused Misha to smile in his sleep, instinctively snuggling into the warmth of Kamatari. 

__

Oh, how I love you. I forgot how much I need your touch. Please get better soon. I think I'm ready now. I think I understand what my heart wants. He tightened his grip around the boy, "I love you, Anata. I love you…Get well."

Dominick returned a short time later. A frown crossed his face when he found the couple curled up together on the bed. Kamatari's arms were loosely around Misharei, who's head was under the other man's chin.

__

I do suppose she needs to sleep. She's been busy caring for him all this time. But does she need to sleep with him? He looked at them there for a moment, then thumped back out the door.

Misha awoke at the sound of the door closing. His eyes blinked open and he smiled to see Kamatari beside him. A yawn escaped his lips and he snuggled back down, nuzzling his head against the other man's chin. _He is still mine, for the moment._

But will it last?

*`~

"He's still sleeping, no?" Dominick was sitting on the hotel porch later in the afternoon when Kamatari appeared in the doorway.

"Yes; he is. My poor little darling…I do wish he would get better. Last night was terrible." He yawned, folding his arms across his chest as he sank down to the porch floor.

"You need to stop worrying so much. You need to get sleep too." Dom said wisely, his deep eyes meeting Kamatari's.

"Ara, I know. But he needs me. He needs me to be there for him as I need him there for me." Kamatari brushed back a lock of his hair, gazing up at the hazy sky. "I want to give him _everything_."

"I don't understand why he is so special to you."

The cross-dresser's gaze slid over to Dominick's face. His fine, roguish features certainly made him; and combined with his dark hair and eyes, he was positively gorgeous. But there was nothing there; no spark, no joy. "He saved my life. He saved me from myself."

"Oh? How so?"

"There was a man I loved very much back in Kyoto. He meant the world to me. But I…I let him down. I failed him." He looked down at his hands, his velvet eyes filling with tears, "I became very depressed. I didn't want to see any one or do anything. But Misha; he never gave up on me. He wouldn't let me throw my life away. I just wanted…I wanted…" His voice became a low whisper, "…To die." He looked back up, tears running down his face.

"I'm so sorry." Dominick said softly. _I feel so sorry for her. To have lost some one she loves…It's terrible. _He drew his companion into his arms, embracing the 'woman' in a compassionate hug.

It was like this that Misharei found them. He had appeared at the door, barefoot and wrapped in that favorite haori. His eyes widened and tears threatened to come unbidden. _No. NO! _He pushed past them both, running blindly, tears spilling from his eyes.

"Misha!" Kamatari looked up, pulling away from Dominick, "Let me go, Dom-san. I have to go after him."

"You love him, no? I don't stand a chance."

"I am sorry. I did not want to mislead you. It was never my intention for this to happen. Misha means more to me than anything in the world. There are many things you do not know about me. Misha loves me in spite of these things. I love him and want to be with him forever."

"I guess I'll have to accept that." The other man said quietly, "No you had better go after him, no?"

"Hai!"

*`~

Misharei ran through the small town, his bare feet covered in mud, the haori flapping as he ran. He was crying, his breath coming in ragged gasps.

When he finally stopped and collapsed under a tree, he had no clue where he was. Nor did he care. _Nothing matters any more. Nothing. Without Kamatari, I haven't got anything…_

He curled up in a little ball, huddled there on the ground_. I might as well stay here and wait for death. Kamatari will be happier without me anyway. He and Dominick…They will be very…very happy together._ He buried his face in his hands, choking out sobs.

"Misha! Misha, where are you? Where did you go? Please…" Kamatari ran through the field, trying to keep himself from crying. _Misha's lost somewhere…He's still sick and he's lost somewhere. I need him. I need him beside me at night. I need him to hold me when I cry. I need him to make me happy. I need him…I love him…_

"Misha!" 

The boy was a lump on the ground, curled up within himself and trying to shut out the rest of the world. Kamatari sank fluidly to the ground beside him. "Anata, I'm sorry." He began to cry, "I'm so sorry. I love you. I only want to be with you."

"Do you mean it?" Came the young man's muffled reply. His voice was dull; empty; unfeeling.

Kamatari sobbed harder. "You're not supposed to be like this. You're supposed to be free. Happy. In love. I don't know why you love me. But I love you too. And it scares me to death." He tried to stifle the tears, but only succeeded in making himself cry harder, "I love you so much. I hate to see you like this. I only want your happiness."

Misha raised his head, his thin hair falling loose around his tear streaked face. He stared at Kamatari for a moment, then he fell into his arms, his face pressed into his chest. "I love you." He whispered, "I love you. I thought I had lost you. I couldn't stand it."

"No…Never. Never will you lose me. I want only you." He leaned over, his face buried in Misha's hair, "I will never tell you 'no' again."

"Chaa…" Misha looked up, the sparkle once again in his eyes, "Gomen nasai. I should never have doubted you." He reached up, pulling Kamatari down on top of him in one fell swoop. Their lips met in a spin-tingling kiss, pleasing them both, leaving both men aroused.

"Are you sure…?" Kamatari gasped out as Misha's tongue invaded his mouth; searching, fighting, waging a war with his own tongue.

"I have never been more sure in my life." The young man whispered.

"Iie…Anata, are you certain you are all right?" Kamatari pulled away, "You threw up last night, omoidasu?" He looked down at the boy, their eyes locked together, "I think we need to take things a little slower until you are healthy again."

"I suppose…I've waited this long. What's a little longer? I will try my best to get well, for you, Itoshii Hito." He reached up with one small hand, caressing his beloved's cheek, "You take such good care of me."

"I love you. Why wouldn't I?" A smile crossed Kamatari's face, making him look more beautiful than Misha could ever have imagined.

"Chaa…I love you so much. You are the sun, the air and the earth around me. Every beautiful thing I see is you. I could not live without you."

"Nor could I live without you." His arms circled around the boy, holding him close, "I live because of you, Anata. I've been so worried about you, afraid that you would not get better. And I would be lost without you."

"Oh, I would never leave you. You mean too much to me. I would fight death to be with you." Misha said quietly, "I hate to think of a life without you."

"You don't have to." Kamatari kissed him again, "I'm sorry I made you so confused. I would never have fallen in love with Dom-san and, if by some miracle I had, he would never have loved me back. He would not love a man. He thinks I'm a woman, don't forget."

"Hai; I know. You aren't going to tell him, are you?" 

"Iie; it would be better if he doesn't know. It would be easier on him to not tell. I really do like Dom-san as a friend and it would hurt him deeply to find out the truth."

"I don't like him." Misha furrowed his brow, "He calls me a little boy even though you told him not to. And he tries to come in between us because he lusts after you."

"Not any more. I told him I love you. He has to accept it. Because my heart and soul belong to you. He is a nice man, Anata." Kamatari's hand rubbed against the boy's cheek, caressing it lovingly, his slender fingers warm and smooth against Misha's flushed skin.

Misha smiled at him. It was nice for them to have some time alone when both were awake. Sometimes, you just need alone time. His arms slid around Kamatari's neck, pulling him closer, so that his chin was on the older man's shoulder. "You will always be the one I love. And I will always be jealous of any one else who loves you and hate them for it. Because I don't want to share you with any one ever."

"I told you…You don't need to share me. I would never give myself to any one but you. You're all I want in my life. Nothing else." He said softly, "I'm sorry if I made you worry. It scared me to see the light in your eyes go out. I never want to see that again. You should only be happy."

"I am very happy, as long as I'm with you." 

"We will be together forever." Kamatari rolled over, taking Misha with him. He looked up at the blue sky as the boy nestled up against his chest. '_I find that you can see everything so much more clearly under a blue sky…' _Misha's voice echoed through his mind_. Ah, everything does seem so clear now. I will always love Shishio-sama in his own way. But Misha…My darling dearest one…He is a completely different story_. He kissed the boy on the cheek, one of his velvety eyes falling shut. "Ai shiteru."

"Chaa…I can see it now." Misha dipped down for another kiss, his small hands planted firmly on Kamatari's chest.

"See what?" Kamatari looked at him, a satisfied smile on his face as their lips parted.

"The peace in your eyes." He rested his head on the man's chest, breathing in time with the beat of his heart. _Our two hearts beat as one…_"I looked before, but I could not find paradise."

"Ara…Anata, I found it without even looking. I found the most wonderful thing in my life without ever looking for it." He stroked the boy's hair, feeling happier than he had ever felt in a long time. He could smell that familiar scent of the tea Misha had been hoarding since they arrived in America; it always lingered around the boy. His fingertips ran across Misha's cheek and he drew him back down for another kiss. _So this is paradise…_

*`~

Dun worry, people who are enjoying. T'isn't the end yet. Seems like it would be, but it ain't.


	14. Stay Tonight

__

Stay tonight in...  
Ever after, this love in time  
And if you save your love  
Save it all  
  
Don't push me too far   
Don't push me too far   
Tonight  
Tonight  
Tonight...  
  
-U2  


*`~ 

"Are you sleepy, Anata?" 

"Hai; a little." 

Kamatari was sitting in the grass, leaned back, his body braced by his hands. Misharei lay next to him, his head rested on his lap. A gentle breeze blew, rustling the blades and causing a green ripple to dance across the field. Dusk was falling and stars were beginning to come out. They had been sitting there all afternoon, neither one of them wishing to move.

"We should go back soon." The older man shifted a little, brushing back his companion's hair, "You haven't fully recovered your strength and I'm sure Dom-san must be worried about us both."

"But…Itoshii Hito…I only want to be here with you." Misharei pouted, his sleepy gaze flickering up to Kamatari's face. He rolled over, his thin arms wrapping around the older man's waist, his face nestled in the silk of his kimono. "Besides, I don't think Dominick-san will be too worried about me. He would probably be happier if I were gone." One of his spindly fingers ran expertly up and down Kamatari's spine and he smiled deviously when he felt the other man shudder with pleasure.

Kamatari looked down at him, his velvet eyes widening at the Misha's touch. Where had he learned that? He seemed to have the ability to turn Kamatari into some sort of ravenous beast simply by touching him. It was getting harder and harder to keep himself composed around his young friend. "Misha," His voice came out a squeak as the young man's finger hit an extremely sensitive spot on his lower back, "Wherever did you learn to be so bold?"

The boy smiled slyly, his hand traveling around so that it was under his chin in Kamatari's lap. "Yumi-san." He said, mirth evident in his voice.

"Yumi taught you that?" Kamatari blinked. It made sense, Yumi teaching him to be that way. The woman had been quite…_loose _with her morals. But to teach little Misha…His eyes narrowed down.

"So dêsu." A nod confirmed the statement.

"Why?"

"She wanted me," His smile widened, "To keep you away from Shishio. I suppose she thought my seducing you would be a good way to do it. I wasn't about to argue with her."

The former Juppon Gatana began to laugh. His companion was so blasé about it and that amused him to no end. "You think you would be able to succeed, Anata?" He giggled, pulling Misha closer to him, leaning over him in an attempt to stop laughing.

"There's only one way to find out, ne?" Misha smiled sweetly, "Let's go back. I'll show you how tempting I can be."

*`~

Dominick was eating dinner when he heard the familiar laughter of Misharei flit into the room. The young man's laugh was light and airy, something that would vanish on the breeze and leave you unsure that you had even heard it. He looked up just in time to see the young man scamper through the door, Kamatari at his heals.

"You found him, no?" He asked quietly.

"Oh, yes." Kamatari replied breathlessly, brushing his hair out of his face, "Now, if you'll excuse us, we have some business to attend to." He smiled slightly, winking at the Yugoslavian man as he followed behind his friend.

A frown crossed Dominick's face. He had an idea of what their "business" was and it unnerved him. _Isn't the little boy sick still? Is this how the Japanese do things? _He stroked his chin thoughtfully. _But they seem so happy with one another…I suppose this is the best. And I laughed at the idea that they were lovers._

Shaking his head, he rose from his seat, handing his plate and mug to the young woman who had served him dinner. Then he mounted the stairs to his own room, hoping the happy couple wouldn't keep him awake all night.

*`~

"Are you sure this is the right thing to be doing?" Kamatari frowned slightly, having stopped after closing the door, "You are still sick and-"

"Chaa; I feel much better, thank you." Misha replied indignantly, "Now come over here, you." He held out a hand to his beloved, beckoning him to the bed where he sat among the crisp white sheets. "I want to experience every little bit of you; to know you inside and out."

"Darling, I…" The older man was at a loss for words. Never before had he thought he would be so hesitant. But then, this was Misharei, the boy he had reared for the past seven years. The one who had willingly done everything he asked. The man he was madly in love with.

"Please; do not do this any longer." The young man's voice came very soft, "I know you are still afraid. You don't want either of us to be hurt. But Itoshii Hito, you will not hurt me. So long as you love me and I love you, we will forgive each other's short-comings. My love for you is unconditional. You have hurt me already, and I do not stray from your side."

This could not be denied. Kamatari thought quickly back over the past several months' events. He had hurt Misha countless times because of his own uncertainty and self-doubt, yet there was the boy, still willing to give himself freely. _And you give your heart away…_He took a deep breath, crossing the room to the boy. 

He leaned over, their faces only an inch or so apart. "You're right, Anata. You are always right about everything." His hand ran across the boy's cheek, his finger working up and around the young man's ear. Misha trembled with desire as Kamatari drew his chin up, their lips meeting in a tender kiss. 

Misha groaned softly, his mind a haze of emotions that all seemed to center back in one place: _I want him. _

Now. 

He fluidly pushed Kamatari down onto the bed, clutching at the collar of his kimono, crawling on top of him, kissing, touching, exploring. Pale, willowy Misha was tracing the contours of Kamatari's firm chest, his spindly fingers examining every last inch of the other man's skin. His lips followed the path of his fingers, trailing up towards the nape of Kamatari's neck. 

__

Is this heaven? Kamatari felt like he was drowning in desire. He flexed his fingers, pulling Misha closer, desperate for his touch. He was hungry for the boy; all of his pent-up emotions ready to come out. As much as he hesitated to admit it, it had been extremely hard not to take the boy sooner. Misharei was so surreal, so fragile, so beautiful. But he was cunning and strong and so wonderful…

All thoughts left the cross-dresser's mind as he kissed the boy. There was nothing he wanted more at that moment than to be with Misha. "Ai shiteru. Ai shiteru; ai shiteru; ai shiteru." He whispered, "Ai shiteru itsumo, Anata."

"Hai…" Misha's voice was a gentle moan as he nipped at Kamatari's ear, "I have known that for so very long. It was you who did not know. It was you-" He gasped as Kamatari's hands found what they had been searching for. A slow smile spread across his pale face, "I love you, Itoshii. You finally seem to understand…"

"I have always understood. But I was afraid. Kitto kowaku nai." He sat up, Misha on his lap, the boy's legs wrapped around his waist. He held the young man to his bare chest, their lips meeting in a smoldering kiss. "We will always be together forever."

"Chaa…I'm glad." Misha fell back as Kamatari continued to kiss him. The sheets were rumpled; the two of them glistening with sweat, naked and totally wrapped up within one another. _I could die right now and have no regrets…_

*`~

It was late night. They had lost track of the time. Kamatari lay there, staring into the depths of the darkness, Misharei asleep, curled up on top of him. The boy had worn himself out and fallen asleep there, his head on Kamatari's bare chest. But the older man, he was too exhilarated for sleep. The dream world eluded him so he lay there, pondering the events of the evening. 

__

What we did…it felt good, there's no doubt about that. But was it right? I love him and the gods know he loves me. I want to be with him forever and the rest of time. But was it right? I've made so many mistakes in my life; killed so many people. He is naïve, he doesn't understand. The past won't go away. And Shishio-sama…Just because he is dead doesn't mean I will just forget. How will that affect him?

I only want him, Kamatari looked down at his new lover, _to be happy. _The boy was sleeping soundly, his mouth curled up into a smile, one hand clenched into a fist and under his chin. _He seems happy right now, but will it last? Why am I so afraid of hurting him, even when he says he won't ever leave me?_

Because without him, I'll have nothing.

If something happened to him, I would be alone. There would be no one else. I could never love any one else the way I love him. Even Shishio-sama…It was different with him. That sort of love was an obsession. An infatuation. I cannot deny that I loved him. But Misha…I don't think I would have the strength to go on living if I also lost him.

The young man mumbled something, rolling over so that he was no longer on top of Kamatari. His feathery hair still tickled the other man's chest and his frail form fit perfectly into the contours and curves of Kamatari's body. The former Juppon Gatana's arm circled around Misha's chest, holding him close. _I don't think he's going anywhere any time soon…_A smile crossed his face and he turned so that Misha's back was up against his chest. _Never leave me…_

As if responding to the man's silent request, Misha rolled over again, his arms twining around Kamatari's body. A fleeting memory of the boy asleep on the steamer, that pillow clutched tightly in his arms, crossed his mind. _So that's it…The pillow was supposed to fill the void I made in his life. Well, no more of that. He won't be hugging anything other than me for a long time. _He kissed the boy's forehead softly, a yawn escaping his lips. _I love him so much…_

*`~

In the next room over, Dominick also lay awake, staring into the infinite darkness. The couple next door, thankfully, had kept fairly quiet. Their bedroom antics were not what kept him up; it was simply the fact that he had too much on his mind. His thoughts were a big jumbled mess as he lay there, pondering over the state of his life.

__

I came here to start a new life. To get married and have children. I've been here for over two months and have accomplished nothing other than rejection from a beautiful woman. What a waste…

Although…That waitress has been paying attention to me. I believe her name is Mary. We've been here a week already and she always speaks to me when I eat. She is from somewhere in Europe; perhaps even Yugoslavia. I can tell by her accent. Perhaps she will give me a chance.

He rolled over on his side, wondering what it would be like to be in love and have children. To belong to a family. Dominick hadn't had any class of a family for quite some time. _I did come here, after all, to find a wife and have a good life…I will talk to Mary tomorrow. _

This decided, the young man shut his eyes in an attept to sleep. He knew it would be a while before the sandman finally found him, but there was nothing else he could do but wait for sleep.

*`~

Mou…I dun like how I ended this chapter. BAH! . But it needed updating…*sighs* I'm in a slump, okay???


	15. Wonder

__

I'll wait  
Till your love comes down  
I'm coming straight for your heart  
No way you can stop me now  
As fine as you are…

-Van Halen

*`~

Misharei awoke the following morning to feel the weight of Kamatari crushing him. His lover was asleep on top of him, snoring lightly, his mouth slightly open. This did not cause the young man any discomfort, he simply smiled and closed his eyes again, wishing to go back to sleep. Kamatari's bare skin against his left him feeling warm and safe; he had no desire to move just yet.

Sun streaked through the window and birds sang loftily from their trees. It was a beautiful morning and all was well with the world. The boy snuggled down deeper into Kamatari's arms, his cheek pressed up against the other man's chest. _I've found all I've been waiting for. And I could not ask for more._

"Is it morning already?" 

This is what Misha interpreted his companion's mumbling to mean. He slid one of his hands out and brushed back Kamatari's tousled hair. "Go back to sleep, Itoshii. We had a busy night, we did." 

Kamatari groaned, blinking against the strong sunlight. "Am I squashing you, Dearest?" He pushed himself back slightly, his shoulders popping in the process. 

"I was quite cozy. You don't need to move." He nuzzled his head against the older man's shoulder, "It only hurts if you don't want it." He whispered mischievously, his lips brushing against Kamatari's collarbone.

"Mmm…" The cross-dresser melted back down on top of his lover, his arms tightening around Misha's slender waist. "I love you…" His voice caught in his throat, followed by a yawn.

"Was…Was I okay? Did I do everything right?" The young man clung to his beloved, his willowy arms snaking around him as if afraid he would disappear. "Did I disappoint you, Itoshii?" He was dying for Kamatari's approval; dying to know he'd done okay in the previous night's escapades. It had been his first time and he was incredibly nervous that he had messed up.

"Anata, you were wonderful." A slight smile crossed the former Juppon Gatana's face and he bent down to kiss the young man, "I regret nothing. My only wish is that you hadn't fallen asleep. I could have gone on much longer. But now," He settled back down on the bed beside the boy, holding him close, "I'm much too sleepy."

"Go back to sleep. I'll stay here with you and keep you company." Misha snuggled up against him. He could feel the steady rise and fall of Kamatari's chest as the man beside him fell asleep again. _Did I really wear him out so much? _He smiled to himself, _Never knew I had it in me…_

He looked up, his gaze traveling across Kamatari's pleasant face. His face was flushed and rosy, his eyelashes sweeping across his cheeks. It was hard for Misha to resist the urge to kiss him. _He looks so beautiful lying there. So innocent and free. Nothing could ever be more beautiful than he is. Nothing…_

His lips grazed across Kamatari's brow, causing a smile to cross the other man's face. His mouth moved downward, capturing his lover's lips in a kiss. Surprisingly, Kamatari kissed him back, sliding his tongue into the young man's mouth. One of his velvet eyes winked open and he pulled the boy closer to him. "…Ai shiteru…"

"Hai; go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you." Misha said softly, "I couldn't help myself. You looked too beautiful to resist."

"Arigato-oh-oooh…" Another yawn forced it's way out in the middle of Kamatari's thanks. He nestled his head against the boy's shoulder, nuzzling, sighing contentedly. "I'm so tired."

"Chaa…" A satisfied smile lit the young man's countenance, "Go back to sleep. I'll try not to wake you again, Itoshii Hito." He stroked Kamatari's cheek with the back of his hand, enticing another yawn.

"Hai…" 

Misharei smiled to himself as he hugged his lover tighter, settling back into a comfortable position. _We'll be here a while longer…_

*`~

"I wonder…" Misha began as he stared down at his breakfast. He paused, swirling the thing called a "spoon" through the gray mush in the bowl. A pensive look crossed his face and his gaze slid back up, traveling from his breakfast to Kamatari, then giving a side-glance at Dominick. He finally focused on some point in the middle of the table, staring at a knothole in the fine grain of the wood.

"You wonder…?" Kamatari prompted him, wondering if this would be any sort of comment about the previous night's activity. _Please, don't let him mention it. Even if Dom-san doesn't understand, it will still make me blush…_

"I wonder what's become of Sojiro. He got away and no one knows…" He looked back up, his sleepy eyes meeting those of Kamatari.

"I'm sure he's fine, Darling. Sou is pretty clever and intuitive. And he is very strong. Much stronger than me." The older man smiled, hoping to calm his friend's sudden fears.

"Hai; I know. But Kamatari…I'm still worried." A deep frown crossed the boy's face and his brow furrowed, leaving him with a rather comical expression, "Sojiro was my only friend besides you. I know he was hurting very much, especially after he met Himura the Battôsai. He was so confused about everything to begin with…Battôsai didn't help the matter any."

"Ara; don't worry about it. I'm sure our genki little tomodachi is fine. Now eat your breakfast." 

Misha sighed. They were back to where they had been when they first met Dominick. "What about Misao-san? Or Kaoru-san? They spared your life…Aren't you curious? I wonder if Misao-san has thawed the icy heart of Shinomori-san yet." 

"You wonder too much." Kamatari informed him patiently, "And you worry about every one but yourself." He was looking lovingly at the boy, his chin rested on the palm of his hand, "I think perhaps it's time you worry about yourself and no one else. Well," He added as an afterthought, "Maybe it's okay if you worry about me."

"Chaa! Of course I worry about you." A smile lit the young man's face, "I worry about you more than anything. You're my Itoshii Hito, after all."

"Ara; ai shiteru, Anata." He fluttered his eyelashes, his lips curling into a gorgeous smile. Winking, he blew the boy a kiss across the table.

"I know." A surreal smile crossed Misha's face and he looked back down at his breakfast. _I suppose I should eat something…_He picked up the spoon and went back to his stirring.

Dominick blinked, looking slightly confused. _I hate when they have conversations in Japanese and I can't understand a word they say. _His dark gaze turned to Kamatari, searching the "woman's" face for answers to what they had been talking about. 

"Misha misses some of his friends from home. He wonders what they're doing now." A melancholy expression crossed his pretty face. While he also missed Japan quite a bit and was just as curious about the people they'd dealt with, he knew there was an appropriate time for such things and now was not it. If they got caught up in a discussion about their acquaintances from back home, they would ignore Dominick and that would be very rude.

"Oh. You can write a letter to them, no?" The man's dark eyes fell on Misha's face, one eyebrow raised, "Mail does cross the ocean, little boy."

"Iie; don't call me that, onegai shimasu. I'm a man, not a little boy." The ex-scythe bearer frowned lightly, his eyebrows knit together, "Kamatari and I have both asked you not to call me that before. It hurts my feelings."

"Ah, I am sorry. I never quite understood. Your poor English makes you hard to understand." 

"I'm learning now." The young man said slowly, "Kamatari has been…learning me." His brow furrowed again. That wasn't the right word and he knew it. But he couldn't remember what the word was.

"Teaching." His lover smiled in amusement.

"Chaa…Arigato, Itoshii. _Teaching _me." The boy corrected himself.

"Very good, Dearest." This earned him a kiss on the cheek as praise for his hard work and persistence at learning such a complicated language.

"Domo arigato."

"Iie…'Thank you.' English, Misha. Japanese is for you and I when we're alone. When we are," A seductive smile crossed his face, "Alone together."

"Chaa…" A light blush spread across the boy's cheeks, deepening as the meaning of what he said sank in. "You embarrass me, Itoshii." He ducked his head, his long hair falling around his childish face.

"I'm sorry." 

"Ahem." Dominick cleared his throat, "What are the plans for today?"

"We should stay one last day. Just to make sure Misha is alright." Kamatari decided, looking once more at the young man by his side.

"Good idea."

"Genki dêsu!" The boy exclaimed, "I feel fine. I just want to move. I'm sick of being here in the same place."

"Darling, you're only now recovering. And I'm not sure what we did last night will necessarily have helped the recovery." Kamatari soothed his young lover's ruffled feathers, "I want to make sure you are perfectly okay before we move on."

"I am perfectly okay! I'm sick of being inside, sick of this terrible food and sick of being sick!" He banged the spoon down on the table, a storm raging in his usually tranquil eyes. "You still treat me as if I am a child!"

"Misharei…" Kamatari began slowly, having no clue how to finish what he had began. "I do not mean to treat you that way. I'm truly sorry if you believe that I do. I had no idea…Darling, I'm only concerned about your well-being. I only want you to be well." His hand found it's way to Misha's cheek and his fingers caressed the boy's pale, smooth skin.

"G-gomen…I didn't mean to yell at you." The young man's gaze dropped back down to the table and his face flushed red, "I'm just…overwhelmed…after what we did together last night. I suppose I'm a little flustered still…Sometimes I wonder if you truly love me…" His voice trailed off, leaving them in the midst of a dangling conversation. Then he looked up, his eyes wet with tears.

"Ara…Anata; my darling dearest one, I know that you think last night changes everything. I know it's something you wanted for a very long time and now that it has happened you're frightened." He folded the boy into his arms, "I'm not going to leave you. Not now, not ever. I love you."

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry; I shouldn't doubt you. But after all you and I have been through -your broken heart- I wonder if I am just a replacement for Shishio. Did you think of him when we made love?" Misha looked up, tears hanging from his eyelashes.

"I thought of no one but you." Had they been alone together, the older man would have eagerly proven this. He wanted to kiss away the boy's tears, hold him close and whisper sweet words to him. The previous night had been bliss for him; a suffocating euphoria he never could have achieved with any one else. But, seeing as they weren't alone, he had to settle for simply comforting the boy. 

He kissed the young man softly, holding him close to his chest. "I don't love Shishio-sama any more. And I never loved him the way I love you. I do think about him from time to time, wonder what he's doing in hell and all, but I've moved on. You are the only one I love, Kataomoi Misharei."

"But you will not forget, will you?" Came the whispered response, "He will always be there, always haunt you, no matter how much I love you." Spindly fingers found their way up to Kamatari's face, brushing across his cheek. He drew the other man's face down, kissing him desperately, "I want you only to be happy. I don't want you to suffer because of him. I waited two years for you to return my feelings, but I never wanted it this way. I wanted us to be happy together without Shishio dying. I didn't want you to love me because he was gone."

"I don't love you because he's gone." Their foreheads rested together, their eyes meeting. The rest of the world was quickly fading away; the two of them were together and nothing else mattered. "I love you because you're special. You're a wonderful, brave man. You think about everything and you put your heart and soul into all that you do. You're beautiful to me and I love you for it."

"Itoshii…" Another kiss, "Gomen nasai…Ai shiteru. I don't want to doubt you. But you were so in love." Tears streaked down his face, "You loved him so much you were willing to give up your life when you failed him. Would you do that for me, Kamatari?"

"Iie…I would not kill myself. Because I know you would be forgiving of me. I would not throw it all away, were I somehow to mess up. You are so patient with me, you would not be angry like Shishio-sama would. He did not allow second chances. You have given me second and third and even fourth chances. You don't give up on me. This is how I know you love me."

"So dêsu…" Misha's voice caught in his throat, "I love you more with every breath I take. I would never give up on you, even if it meant waiting a lifetime for you to understand. I was ready to let you come here alone, because I knew you needed to leave. Misao-san told me I couldn't; that I loved you and needed you with me. But I told her that if it would help you, I would let you go. Sometimes part of love is letting go."

"I know. But, Darling, you never need to let me go. I will always return to you. You told me once that no matter what everything led you back to me. I understand now. All of my thoughts always focus on you, no matter how obscure they are. I cannot think of anything…You're all I think about these days."

"Really?"

"Really." A soft smile crossed Kamatari's face, "Now cheer up. We'll leave tomorrow. Right now, you and I are going to take a little walk, just the two of us together away from everybody else."

"Just us?"

"Hai." He kissed the boy once more, this time on the forehead. Then he released him, rising from his seat at the table. "Excuse us, Dom-san. I think Misha and I need to speak together alone." He bowed politely, his short hair falling lightly around his face.

"Of course." The man had been watching their interaction curiously. The conversation had been a mix of broken English and Japanese and he was dreadfully confused. It seemed that every time the two were together, one or the other wound up crying. As best he could figure, the boy was worried about something involving a dead man named Shishio whom Kamatari had at one time loved.

"Come, Dearest." The former Juppon Gatana offered his companion one slender hand, "We need to talk."


	16. Understanding One Another

__

I know you haven't made your mind up yet  
but I would never do you wrong  
I've known it from the moment that we met  
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong…

-Billy Joel

*`~

"Darling, I didn't want to talk about this until we were alone. After you fell asleep last night, I was still wide awake. I was thinking about you and me and Shishio-sama. What you said was very true. Even though he is dead, I cannot forget about him. The past just won't disappear. I'd like to forget. But he was my first love, even if he did not love me back."

"I understand…" Misharei said softly. He was looking earnestly at his lover, his gaze devoid of all its usual sleepiness. He was well aware of unrequited love. He had been a slave to his own feelings for just as long as Kamatari.

"I'm afraid you don't…I want him out of my head. But he won't go away. He just keeps coming back and reminding me that I was a failure as both a man and a woman." He ran his hand through his dull hair, "I still feel that I could have tried harder, that I could have been what he wanted. Am I a complete failure?"

"Iie, you don't give yourself enough credit. You changed my life for the better."

"I made you this way." Kamatari said miserably, "If it weren't for me, you would probably find a woman to love you. Then you would have a family and grow old together. And you would be happy."

"I could never be happy with any one else." Misha stated firmly, "You didn't make me fall in love with you. I'm sure if we had met under different circumstances, I probably still would have loved you. You cannot help who you fall in love with. I didn't chose to love you. I just do."

"The people around us shape our lives, Misha. You have been with me for seven years. I have influenced your life for all seven of them. I wonder all the time if I'm wrong for you. If I made you this way and you don't really love me." He stopped walking and looked at his young companion.

Misha regarded him thoughtfully. Kamatari was wearing a pale purple kimono with a darker purple obi. His hair was falling lightly around his face, which looked drawn and tired. His feet were bare, his hands at his sides and his expression pensive. "If I didn't love you, I never would have given myself to you. You know I don't do things I don't want to." One of his small hands found its way into Kamatari's, "I want to be with you because I love you."

"But do you love me for the right reasons?" His fingers curled around Misha's, clutching at his hand, "Or do you love me solely because you've known nothing but me?"

"Why don't you understand?" The boy sidled up next to his beloved, snuggling against him, his arm around the man's waist, "Why don't you understand that I love you more than my own life?"

Kamatari looked at him for a moment, taking in those big, soulful eyes. _I understand…I understand all too well. And it scares me to death. _He leaned down, kissing the boy the same way he had the first time on the boat. Misha's arms slid around his neck, holding him close, intensifying the kiss.

"Ara…I don't know how you do it, Darling." His hand brushed across the boy's cheek as their lips met a second time, "Every time I think it will never get any better, it does. Oh, I do love you, Anata. I love you more than anything in the world. I want to be with you forever."

"Chaa…You make me so happy." Misha whispered, "All I have ever dreamed of is coming true." He hugged the other man tightly, standing on his tiptoes so that he could reach up to kiss him. Kamatari simply swept him up into his arms, swinging him around as he began to laugh.

"Listen to us, Misha. We're pathetic. Something has to give before we both go crazy. I love you and you love me, but we're both so scared still. We need to leave the past behind and look to the future. We need to grow in our love. And we need to live for one another."

"Oh, but I have been living for you. Every day for the past seven years, I've lived and breathed Honjou Kamatari. My greatest joy was to make you happy. I hated to see people fight, yet I repaired your scythe. I hated to see you hurting over Shishio's rejection, yet I stayed by your side. I cooked for you, cleaned for you, mended your clothing for you. I was happy making you happy."

"I know. I'm terribly sorry I didn't appreciate you more." A third kiss, "Can you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive." A serene smile crossed Misha's face as his fingers twined themselves through Kamatari's hair, "I did everything for you of my own choosing; it was not blind obedience. I knew I loved you and I was willing to do anything for you to prove it."

"You sound so very much like me…" Kamatari said sadly, "For a long time, all I wanted was to please Shishio-sama. Then he died and I never even knew how he felt about…I don't know if he hated me, if he was disgusted by me, if he loved me in any way. I don't know if he was proud of how hard I worked or if he was angry with me…" He trailed off, his eyes filling with tears.

"Itoshii," Misha's eyes closed and his head rested on his lover's shoulder, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for you. For a long time, I knew just how you felt. I love you. I don't wish to hurt you, but you need to know the truth. Shishio loved Yumi. He didn't love you. To him, you were no more than a tool. He cared for her and used you to fight because he knew you cared for him. He used your feelings against you."

"I know…I've always known that." The man's voice came low and mournful, "But I always wanted to deny it. I told myself it just wasn't true. I told myself he needed me. I thought that if I believed it, it would be true. I wasted my life."

"Iie…You're wrong, Kamatari. You didn't waste your life. That whole time, I was learning from you. You wanted to watch me shine, that's what you told me. Did I please you?"

The cross-dressing man looked down at the boy standing before him. Misharei was gazing up at him, his brown eyes dark and haunted. His expression was one of expectance, as he was eagerly awaiting a response to the question. _How could I have not realized it sooner? How did I miss so much? He's been waiting all this time and I made him feel the way I did for all those years. _"You…" He blinked back tears, "You pleased me immensely. You are my pride and joy. If I helped make you the way you are…If you're so wonderful because of me…I…I…" His efforts to control his emotions were failing miserably. He began to cry, tears rolling down his cheeks and into the boy's loose hair. "I just love you so much…"

"Chaa…it's okay. Don't cry, Itoshii. It's okay." He held the older man in his embrace, hugging him tightly, "I could hold you for a million years…But please…Don't cry. Onegai shimasu…You'll make me cry too."

"Ara, Misha…You're so good to me." 

The boy looked up, his chin rested against Kamatari's chest. A charming smile spread across his face and his velvet smooth eyes fell shut. "We are one now. I feel everything you feel; know every pain and every joy. Our two hearts beat as one. The killer in me is the killer in you, My Love. Of course I will be good to you."

"Arigato, Darling." Kamatari smiled faintly, his hand resting back on his young lover's hair, his fingers twining through the silky locks, "I'll be good to you also. But I can't guarantee that there won't be times when I remember the past and I get depressed."

"Hai; I know. And I will be by your side every step of the way. I will hug you and listen to you and be there for you when you're sad. I only want your happiness, after all."

"You're a good boy. I'm glad I decided to keep you."

"Me too." The young man grinned up at his beloved, "I am very glad."

*`~

Back at the inn, Dominick had remained in the dining room. He was so confused by the rocky relationship between his traveling companions. They apparently cared for one another immensely. This much was obvious to even the dumbest individual. But there was something odd about their relationship. It seemed to involve much angst.

"Would you like anything else, Dominick?"

__

Mary. Dom looked up. She was standing before the table, ready to clear away his dirty dishes. "No. Thank you. I'm fine." He blinked his dark eyes, "You are from Eastern Europe, no?" He questioned.

"Yes. My family sent me here to make a better life for myself. America is the land of opportunity, after all." She smiled sweetly, sitting down across from him at the table, "Are you looking for work?"

"Headed north to Cherry Ridge where there are all the coal mines. I should be able to get work their."

"Yes; many men pass through here with their families who are seeking employment in the coal mines. Those people with you…They are your family?"

"Oh, no. Just friends I made along the way. I left my family behind." 

"Where are they from? I hear them speaking such a strange language."

"They're from Japan. I don't know why they are here. She hasn't told me yet and the boy speaks very little English. What he does speak, he speaks poorly. I suppose we'll part ways soon enough. They are very much in love and I do not doubt they will start a family soon. Then I will be on my own again."

"You must be dreadfully lonely, Dominick." She batted her eyelashes. He was an attractive man, with his dark hair and soulful eyes.

"I'll manage." He said slowly, "What about you? Your family is still in Europe, no?"

"I've been busy here. Several men have attempted to court me, but I wasn't interested. They were crude and loud. Not anywhere near as polite as you."

He looked at her. She had thick, dark hair and brilliant blue eyes. Her cheeks were rosy and her smile polite. Her clothing was simple, humble, but then, the Bible taught that all people should be humble before God. He liked her immensely and was glad to have her friendship. However, to get by in America when one had nothing, one needed a family. "Would…Would you like to go out for dinner when you are done working?" He asked tentatively.

A faint blush spread across her cheeks. "I'd like that very much, Dominick."

The young man smiled brazenly. On the inside, he was singing. 

*`~

Kamatari was thinking. He and Misha strolled hand in hand back towards the inn, their bond even tighter due to the conversation they had held while out. The young man looked sleepy once again and his companion hoped his illness was not returning.

His thoughts drifted back to a day a year or so prior. Misha had only been seventeen then; quiet, polite and subdued as he was once. He had been ever the obedient servant, doing as Kamatari asked, and the particular day which came to mind seemed so much clearer now…

*flashback*

Kamatari was having a terrible day. It had rained early that morning and it was humid, causing his short hair to frizz out. He had been hurrying to see Shishio-sama when a carriage lumbered by, rolling through a puddle and proceeding to splash mud all over his favorite kimono. Shishio-sama had been curt with him, saying he was too busy to be bothered and forcing him from the room.

He had not been, needless to say, in a good mood when he returned to his chambers. 

Misharei had instantly jumped up at the sound of the door opening, running over to greet his master. "Kamatari-sama, you're back so soon?" He'd bowed politely, his shoulder-length hair spilling around his pale face.

The older man shied away, trying to hide his face. He'd been crying after Shishio-sama's rejection, which only served to make the day worse. He must've looked _horrid_.

"Chaa…" Misha could always read him like a book. From the time they had met, he could always tell the scythe-wielding man's emotions. "Tell me what's wrong, Kamatari-sama." He tugged on the man's sleeve, "Why are you crying?"

"How do you always know?" He sniffled, looking over at the boy. Misha stood beside him, one hand rested lightly on his sleeve. He was staring up at him, his eyes devoid of all their usual weariness. A concerned look darkened the boy's attractive features and he frowned slightly. 

Kamatari wiped his tears away and heaved a sigh. "Today has been a bad day, Misha-kun. My outfit is ruined, my hair is a mess, I'm sure I look even worse now that's I've been crying. And Shishio-sama…He wouldn't listen to me." The usually energetic man sounded so worn down. He lowered his head dejectedly, his voice coming in a mournful whisper. "He's so hard to please. I just don't know what he wants from me. I already give him my sweat, my blood and my tears. What more could he possibly want? I love him and I don't know what to do…"

"Chaa; Shishô…Let me get you new clothes, onegai shimasu. You'll feel better once you're cleaned up." Misha said softly. His heart felt heavy in his chest, as if it would break then and there. Kamatari never noticed his feelings. He pined away after Shishio and never realized that he had some one who loved him right there next to him. "I'll be right back."

Kamatari watched the young man run off. A hint of a smile crossed his face; he could always count on Misharei to try and make him feel better when he was down. This was a side of himself that only his young servant saw -to the rest of the world he was easy-going and upbeat- and he was glad he had some one to share his pain with.

Misha returned soon enough, carefully carrying a pristine yukata. He helped his master change from the soiled kimono to the fresh clothes, taking the dirty things to the laundry pile. Then he came running back again and handed Kamatari a combed and a wet washcloth to freshen himself up. 

"Do you feel better now?" 

"Hai. Domo arigato, Misha-kun." The man flopped down onto one of the cushions littering the floor. His young companion sank fluidly down beside him, looking at him expectantly.

"Do you want to talk any more, Shishô?" He asked quietly, "I'll listen if you wish to talk."

"You're a good boy. I know you want to be helpful, but I don't think you'll understand." Kamatari told him.

"Hai; I understand. I also have some one I love who doesn't seem to notice." He said slowly, his eyes never leaving his master's face.

"Do you really, Misha-kun? Who's the lucky lady?" Kamatari smiled lightly, an amused tone to his voice.

"Iie; not a lady. There is a man that I love. He is the most beautiful person I have ever seen." A wistful expression crossed the boy's pale face and his eyes filled with tears, "I have loved him nearly a year and he doesn't realize…He doesn't…" Here the teen stopped speaking, tears pouring from his eyes. "…I love him so much…"

"Ara, don't cry." Kamatari pulled his young servant into his arms. The second he touched the boy, he felt some unidentifiable emotion wash over him. Startled, he drew back a little, then, thinking there was nothing he could do as Misha's face was buried in his chest, he tightened the hug. "I hate to see you cry."

"I hate to see _you _cry." The boy sniffled, "It makes me so sad, when you are hurting…"

"I'm okay now." He assured his sobbing companion, "Don't cry, onegai shimasu. Don't cry. It's all right. Everything is fine. Shishio-sama is always like that towards me. I was only frustrated. But you knew just how to make me feel better."

"That's because I love you."

The man froze. Had he heard correctly? Misha's face was buried in the silk of his yukata; his voice was muffled. Perhaps he had said something different? His young companion -whom he cared for deeply- could not love him. _He will only wind up hurting, because my heart already belongs to Shishio-sama. I cannot love him back…_This thought flickered through his brain. But his heart betrayed his mind, forcing him to remain there, holding the crying boy in his lap.

*end flashback*

"Kamatari?"

Misha's voice broke through the man's thoughts, pulling him from his reverie. He looked down at the boy by his side, taking in those velvet eyes, the pale face. "Hai?"

"I'm tired." Came the response, "How much farther until we get back?"

"Poor little Misha…Do you want to stop and take a rest, Darling?"

The boy shook his head. "Iie. I want to get back so I can go to sleep."

A troubled look crossed Kamatari's face. "I'm worried about you. It's taking you a long time to get well again. You've never been the strongest person and I know you used to get sick a lot." He lifted the boy into his arms with the intent of carrying him the rest of the way, "You had better not die on me."

"I won't, Itoshii." A sleepy smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he rested his head on his lover's shoulder, "I won't leave you now. I love you too much to leave you. I'm sorry I cause you so much trouble."

"Don't be sorry. You just get better. I'll take care of you as long as I have to." His strong arms circled round the boy, holding him close. _Every day with you is a gift. I treasure them all. If anything were to happen to you, I don't know how I could go on._


	17. Finding Truth

__

So tonight hold me close to you  
And don't give up what's important to you  
And as time rolls on  
Nothing will stand in our way… 

-Styx

*`~

Dominick and Mary were still sitting at the table when Kamatari came shuffling through the door, Misharei in his arms. The young man's eyes were glazed over with sleep, his arms loosely around his lover's neck. His head was rested on Kamatari's shoulder and he looked exhausted.

"Gomen nasai…" The boy whispered, "I should have listened to you…I'm not well yet." He snuggled deeper into his beloved's arms, "I'm so sorry…Making you worry more."

"Shh…Don't worry about it, Darling." Kamatari's delicate fingers ran across the boy's back, soothing him, trying to keep him comfortable. He was terribly worried about Misha, but didn't want him to know. "You just concentrate on getting better. Worrying will only make it worse."

"But-"

"Shh…" He buried his face in the young man's hair, trying to keep himself from crying. _I've got to be strong…For him. He needs me to take care of him. He needs me to protect him. He's not very strong. I cannot cry; I have to be strong for him. But if anything happens to him…It'll be the end of my world. _"Don't talk now. Just get some rest."

"Is he alright?" Mary rose from her seat, alarm spreading across her face. She crossed the room to the two men, rising on her tiptoes to look at Misha. His face was white, his hair hanging limp around it.

"He'll be fine." Kamatari said, more to reassure himself than the woman.

"He should go right to bed." She insisted, "I can get a doctor for you."

"No, he will be okay. My Misha is very fragile. He's been sick like this before many times. He over exerts himself and he's not used to American weather yet. I'll take care of him and he'll be fine. He hasn't been resting enough."

"If you say so…" She said skeptically. The young man looked terrible.

"I'll take care of him. Don't worry." Kamatari bustled out of the room and up the stairs, carrying his lover with him.

He set Misha down on the bed in their room, trying to make him comfortable. The boy mumbled something incoherent, one of his hands curling into a fist. It broke Kamatari's heart to see him there like that, so weak and helpless. Misha had always seemed breakable, but he was strong in the sense that he had spirit and he knew what he wanted. It wasn't fair for him to be sick like that.

"Dearest one, please get well soon." The man sat on the bed beside him, brushing the hair from his forehead, "I need you to be well. I need you…" He sniffled slightly, still trying to keep from crying. Gulping back tears, he leaned over his lover, kissing the boy's flushed cheek, "Don't get worse…Please."

"Itoshii…Okamainaku…I'll be fine." Misha smiled weakly, rolling over onto his back to look up at Kamatari. His spindly hand found it's way to his beloved's cheek, touching his face as if to make sure he was really there. "You know I always bounce back…" He coughed, his chest heaving.

"Oh, no…Just lay still, Darling. Please, don't move. You shouldn't have been out. We shouldn't have…Oh, I shouldn't have let you!" The cross-dresser fretted, "Damn your attractiveness! Last night was too much for you…"

"It's not your fault, Beloved." A strangled whisper came from the boy. He was wheezing slightly, trying to catch his breath. "I wanted it. I should have known better, but I wanted it anyway. So please, just stay with me now. I don't want to be alone…"

"Anything you want." Kamatari drew his knees up to his chest, one hand resting lightly on Misha's warm forehead. "I'll stay with you forever." He rested his chin on his knees, his free arm wrapped around his legs. His mind was a jumble of thoughts; the past, present and future were blending together. Anji's Buddhist beliefs flitted through his mind…

__

Truth One: The truth of suffering.

His thoughts drifted back to all his past miseries. Fights and scuffles with Yumi, stares from people who knew the truth, rude comments, hurtful words, Shishio-sama's ever present reminders that he wasn't good enough. Everything then had hurt so much, yet he had greeted the world with a smile, throwing himself wholeheartedly into everything he did.

__

Truth Two: The truth of the cause of suffering.

He'd been dreadfully unhappy. He'd hated his life; all of the pining away and lusting after Shishio-sama…It wasn't much of a life to begin with. He'd been living a lie back then, drowning in obsession and unhealthy desires. He had known deep down all along that Shishio would never give anything in return for his undying devotion. This had only caused more pain.

__

Truth Three: The truth of the end of suffering.

Happiness comes when one finds peace with one's self. There had been no peace with the way things were. His heart had been in turmoil as he wasted away, trying to win the heart of a man who would never love him. His suffering would only end when he found what he was looking for.

Love…

__

Truth Four: The truth of the path leading to the end of suffering.

Healing came in the form of a slight, willowy boy. Everything with Misha became so surreal; the real world and dreams blending as one, as if they had permanently found that place between awake and asleep. Clarity, inner peace, hope…They all were things Kamatari felt when he was with the boy. He needed the young man beside him; needed him to lead his heart to a place where there was no pain.

Misha was his truth.

He looked back down at the boy, sleeping restlessly. He was under a light blanket, curled up on his side. His fingers were wrapped around the sleeve of Kamatari's kimono, as if he were trying to keep the man there with him. _I'm not going anywhere, Darling…_Kamatari smiled to himself, _I won't leave you here alone. I need to be with you as much as you need to be with me._

*`~

"He looked terrible." Mary turned to Dominick, a worried expression on her face, "Has he seen a doctor at all?"

"No…She won't get one. She says he'll be okay. He doesn't look that much different than usual though. He is such a scrawny boy." Dominick ran a hand through his unruly hair, "Kamatari can take care of him. She won't let any one else near him anyway."

"But he's ill. He needs a doctor…"

"Let them alone. She knows what she's doing. They've been together for seven years; she's been taking care of him since he was a child."

Mary sighed. She hated seeing people suffer when there was nothing she could do about it. She hated the helpless feeling of people being sick when there wasn't much that could be done for them. She wanted to be helpful, but it seemed there was nothing she could do.

"The little boy will be okay. She loves him more than her own life. I've never seen two people in love like that. She'll take care of him until he gets well. Her love will give him strength. I was taught to believe that love conquers all."

A faint smile crossed Mary's face and she felt her cheeks growing pink. He was so incredibly handsome and there he was, speaking of love. It made her feel warm and fuzzy inside and her heart pounded wildly. She'd only known him for about a week, but he seemed so familiar; reminded her so much of home. "That's very uplifting, Dominick."

"Thank you." He said slowly. His heart raced wildly at the sight of her there in the afternoon sunlight, a light blush on her cheeks and nose. She was positively beautiful. _Is this what it's like to be in love…?_

*`~

__

It was dark. Misha looked around, trying to finds Kamatari. He didn't see the man anywhere and that scared him. "Itoshii?" He whirled around, trying to find his companion, "Itoshii? Where did go? You said you'd never leave…"

Silence greeted him.

"Itoshii? Onegai Shimasu…" His eyes welled with tears. He was so scared about being alone. "Where are you?"

It finally hit him then. He was alone. No one was going to come. Kamatari was gone. He fell to his knees on the ground, sobbing. "I don't want to be alone…I don't want to be alone…"

Kamatari looked down at his sleeping lover. He was mumbling something and the man wondered what he was dreaming about. Then he bolted awake, gasping out "I don't want to be alone!"

"Oh…Darling…" Kamatari pulled the boy into his arms, hugging him tightly, "I'm right here. I didn't go away…" He buried his face in the boy's hair, "I would never leave you alone."

"Oh Kamatari…Oh, I was so scared." He tossed his arms around Kamatari, his face nestled in the silk of his kimono, "I had a terrible dream that I was all alone and it was dark and…and…" He began to cry so hard he couldn't continue.

"It's okay, Darling. Don't cry. I could tell you were having a bad dream…I felt so helpless. I want you to be okay. It kills me to see you suffering, to know you're not well and there's nothing I can do about it. I need you. I need you more than you need me. You saved my life, Dearest. Without you, I would be on my own." He paused, thinking for a moment, "I'm so afraid that something will happen to you."

Misha twisted in his arms, looking up, his face pale and tear-streaked. "Now you know how I felt, so afraid that you would go and never come back. And all those times…You cried tears for some one that wasn't me. And my heart would ache for you. I wanted you to be mine so badly. And I was afraid…"

"Sumimasen, Anata. I never wanted you to be sad or scared." Kamatari leaned over, his hair falling around his face, craning his neck downwards to kiss the boy, "You know I love you and I only want what's best for you. Now you go back to sleep."

"Will you sleep with me?" Misha asked quietly, "I don't want to have any more nightmares…"

A soft smile crossed his lover's face and he kissed the boy's hair. "Of course I'll stay." He sounded relieved; as if things were no longer so hopeless. "Let me change into something more comfortable, Darling, then we'll go to sleep."

"Daijoubu." The young man yawned, releasing Kamatari. He watched as his beloved found himself a light yukata and changed. His heart fluttered wildly at the sight of Kamatari undressing, but he was too tired to do anything about his arousal. 

Kamatari crawled back into the bed, settling down on his side beside the boy. Misha snuggled up next to him, curled up in a little ball. He absently stroked the young man's silky hair, his fingers running across his lover's cheek. "I love you…"

Misha smiled wearily, his head nestled against Kamatari's chest. "Do you remember when you kissed me on the boat?" He asked softly.

"Hai…"

"I was terribly frightened. I didn't know what to do. It was my first real kiss and I was scared, but I wanted it any way. When we made love…I was scared then too. I was afraid of messing up or hurting you or doing everything wrong. I was so scared…"

"Ara, Darling, you could never do wrong. I was scared too. I've never felt this way about any one before."

"Not even Shishio?" Misha drew back a little, looking at Kamatari, a serious expression on his face.

"Not even Shishio-sama." The older man confirmed, "I did love him. Maybe I still do in some way. I don't think something like that will ever really go away. But it's different with you, Dearest One; there's something there that I don't quite understand. Sometimes it scares the hell out of me. I'm afraid of failing you. I never want you to think badly of me…"

"You could never disappoint me." Misha yawned, nuzzling his head against Kamatari's chest, "I love you so much I would forgive anything. I told you. We have a lifetime to get it right. And I will love you unconditionally for that entire time…"

"As I will love you. Now try and get some sleep. I want you to get well." He kissed the top of the boy's head, "Sleep well. I love you."

"…Chaa…" The boy mumbled as he dropped off.

Kamatari continued to stroke the young man's hair, peering through the darkness at the sleeping form of his young lover. He wanted to stay with Misha forever and nothing more for their happiness. After all they had been through, they deserved some peace in their lives.

*`~

AN: **EEevee**- it was 33 times. I counted ^^;; This fic is so sugary it could rot teeth.

****

unique-starfish- congrats for being reviewer number 100! *throws cherry blossoms and Aoshi plushies around in celebration*

Mary is my great-great-grandmother. I have no clue how she and Dominick really met, but they were married before they came to America from Yugoslavia (or Hungary…We're not really sure. But it *was* somewhere around there). So I twisted the truth a little for creative purposes…I hope Dom and Mary don't haunt me! *looks around suspiciously*


	18. New Beginnings

__

Cause love's such an old fashioned word  
And love dares you to care  
For people on the edge of the night  
And love dares you to change our way  
Of caring about ourselves…  


-David Bowie (W/ Queen)

*`~

__

I don't want to open my eyes…Gods; the sun is so damn bright. I can't…But my head doesn't hurt any more. It feels so much clearer now. Maybe I finally am better. But still…to stay here in bed would be heaven…

"Mmm…"

At the feel of a pair of arms tightening around him, Misharei's eyes flew open. Kamatari had rolled over, hugging him, and it startled him awake. He frowned lightly, blinking against the morning sun, then burrowed down into his companion's embrace. Kamatari was still asleep, his breath coming deep and shallow. A soft smile was on the man's face and he held securely Misha in his arms.

"Itoshii?" The boy whispered, "Itoshii, are you awake?" He kissed Kamatari softly, his lips warm and enticing. He felt his lover tremble with pleasure, and he smiled contentedly. "Ai shiteru, Itoshii."

"…I know…" One of Kamatari's eyes winked open lazily. A slow smile spread across his face and he nestled closer to Misha, "How are you feeling, Dearest?"

"Much better; arigato." Another kiss. Misha had been getting more and more daring as he got more and more comfortable with the more intimate aspects of their relationship. It was as if a floodgate had been opened after the first time they kissed and there was no stopping it now. 

"You're sure?" Kamatari held the young man close to him, his face in Misha's hair. The boy always smelled so good. He loved the boy's scent and his taste and everything else about him. 

"I'm not sure. But I feel so much better now. My head doesn't hurt any more and I can breathe better. I might not be all better yet, but I don't feel as sick any more. But I think I want to stay here longer. I thought I was well again before and I wasn't. You don't mind, do you?"

"Of course not, Darling. I only want you well. I'll stay here as long as I need to, if it means you getting well." He rolled over on his back and Misha snuggled up beside him, his head on his chest.

"You're so very good to me. I love you so much." Misha looked up at him, a smile on his face.

Kamatari's gaze met that of his lover and he smiled back. Misharei's eyes were clear and bright without that usual haze. He truly was getting better and this made the older man immensely happy. He kissed Misha softly on the forehead, his lips grazing softly across the boy's skin. "I love you too."

"What are we going to do today, Itoshii?" Misha sat up, stretching like a cat. He flexed his fingers; his body was stiff from all the time he had spent in bed. Kamatari slid up into a sitting position and Misha leaned against him, his hand rested on the knee Kaoru had shattered. "How is your knee?"

"Still hurts every now and then. She busted it up pretty well. But you know, I'm glad. I'm glad I lost that fight and glad she and the weasel didn't let me kill myself. I would have missed out on the most wonderful part of my life."

"I'm glad too." One of Misha's hands snaked its way up to Kamatari's cheek, "I do love you so. I would have been lost without you. I need you." He whispered as he kissed the man.

Kamatari looked at him hungrily, his eyes full of lust. "You're certain that you're feeling better, Dearest?" He asked softly.

Misha nodded, wondering what the look in his beloved's eyes meant. His sleepy gaze followed Kamatari as he rose from the bed, wondering what he was doing.

It had begun innocently enough with that kiss. Misharei still had no knowledge of the exact power he held over Kamatari. He was totally oblivious to how much he excited his lover; so innocent and naïve. What started as a kiss, however, quickly became so much more.

Misha watched, almost in awe, as his companion began to shed layer upon layer of clothing. He watched silently from where he sat on the bed, his eyes wide, as Kamatari tweaked his obi, causing it to come loose, the front of his kimono falling open. He drew in a breath as the pale, silky skin was revealed to him, muscles rippling as the silk kimono was drawn back.

He stared, lost in some drunken stupor. This was the first time that Kamatari had initiated anything; usually it was up to the young man to do all the work. He was at a loss, unsure of what to say or do. He was used to being the man in the relationship, the one in control.

"Make love to me." Kamatari said softly, "Make love to me as if it were the first time all over again."

Misha felt his throat constrict. His heart was pounding; he didn't know what to do. A soft whimper escaped his throat as Kamatari crawled on top of him, picking at his clothing. His body trembled beneath the weight of his lover. There was no reason for him to be so nervous; it wasn't like they had never done it before. But something seemed so different this time.

He opened his mouth, but his voice caught in his throat. He managed a little squeak, but Kamatari silenced him by catching his mouth in a kiss. "It's okay, Darling. Don't be afraid. I'll show you love like you've dreamed of." He whispered gently, "You're a good boy, but you're so inexperienced."

"Itoshii…Itoshii, wait." The young man stammered. His eyes were still wide and full of unshed tears.

"I won't hurt you. Just trust me." Kamatari's lips roamed from the boy's mouth to his cheek to his neck, "I love you so much."

"Chaa…I trust you…" Misha finally found his voice, but it trembled as he spoke.

"I'll make you feel good." His lover promised. His mouth had worked its way down to the young man's chest; he was kissing and nipping at the boy's skin.

Misha groaned with pleasure, his body relaxing as euphoria spread through him. He felt as if he were floating. A tingling sensation curled outward from the core of his being. Kamatari was right…It felt beyond good. "Don't stop…Don't stop…" He moaned.

His hands were on the man's shoulders; Kamatari had made his way down to the boy's waist. His tongue swept across the soft flesh of Misha's stomach, circling around his belly button. The ex-Juppon Gatana thought every nuance of his lover's body was beautiful; he wanted nothing more than to enjoy the young man thoroughly. It was odd to him, the idea that he even loved the boy the way he did. He never thought he would get over Shishio and he felt terribly guilty for making Misha wait all that time. Now was the time to make it up. He was going to be in control for once, instead of letting the boy act on his every whim. And it was going to be good.

Misha lay beneath him, his breath coming in gasps as he tried to keep himself composed. His thin body glistened with sweat, his face was flushed and his hair matted to his forehead. His mind was a hazy jumble of thoughts and his heart felt like it would swell and burst, he was so in love. "Kamatari…" He moaned, "Motto…Ai shiteru…"

Kamatari's hands were busy, working expertly, his fingers nimble. He knew exactly what he was doing. He'd done it before, although not quite with so much passion and not quite so meaningful. He knew exactly where to touch, all the right places, to cause the boy to melt into him. He kissed Misha furiously, their nose's bumping together. "Anything you want, Darling."

"All I want is you." Came the whispered response, "All I want is you…" 

"You're beautiful, Anata." Kamatari's voice came very low in his ear, a sultry whisper, seductive and enticing. "I love you so; you're beautiful." He was flat on top of Misha, the boy crushed beneath him.

"Iie…You're the beautiful one." Misharei said shyly, his sleepy eyes full of unconditional love, "I'm just a sad little boy."

"Oh no." A kiss; Kamatari's arms were firmly around his lover, "I adore you. You are my heaven on earth, My Love. I thought I would never get on with life and you brought me paradise. Never call yourself a sad little boy again. It makes my heart ache to hear it." He kissed the young man again, tasting heaven, searching for the love his heart had yearned for all those years. 

Misha felt like he would melt into the bed. This was heaven, hell and purgatory all in one. How could life possibly be so wonderful? He had never in his wildest dreams imagined it like this. He felt incredibly sinful and naughty, lusting after some one like that. But how could he not, when he was so in love? "Is what we're doing wrong, Kamatari?"

"What do you mean?" Kamatari looked curiously up at his lover. Misha had suddenly gotten very serious and that meant it was time to stop. He hadn't finished, but it was too late. The young man would not allow him to continue. Letting out a sigh, he settled back down on the bed, his arms still around Misha.

"Is it wrong? Is it bad? What would happen to us if the people here somehow found out you were a man also? What would they do to us?" Yahiko's words -_Not only is he in love with our enemy, they're both men! There's something wrong with that- _rang through his mind. He had never thought it might be wrong before, but everything about America scared him. What would Americans do to him if they found out he was a homosexual?

"Darling, I would never let anything happen to you. I would die before any one could lay a finger on you." Kamatari reassured him. He wondered where this sudden fear had come from, but he knew it was not without reasoning. Americans had different views than the Japanese did. "No one will find out."

"But what if-"

"Darling, My Dearest, please, don't worry. I never want you to worry about anything. It's not good for you, Lover. You're so frail and I don't want you to get sick again." One of his hands brushed across the boy's cheek, "You have to stay healthy."

Misha nodded slightly, yawning. He snuggled up beside Kamatari, nestling against his bare chest. "I don't want to worry, Itoshii. But I do. I can't help it. I love you so." His lips brushed across his lover's satiny skin, "I have always worried about you."

Kamatari rolled over, pulling the boy along with him. Misharei's arms were around his neck, his head against his chest. He loved the feel of their bare skin touching, the taste of their lips together. He wanted to hide Misha away, protect him, keep him safe like he had when he was a child.

"You don't need to worry any more. We'll look out for each other and take care of each other. From this moment on, real life begins."

Misha smiled softly, "That sounds nice." He looked up, his eyes shining. "We will have the best life ever." A pause, "Together."

Kamatari nodded, stroking his companion's long hair. He could smell the scent of Misha, warm, welcoming, like honey and almonds. His hand wandered down to the young man's cheek, brushing against it softly. Then he drew the boy down for a kiss.

__

I love you more with every breath…


	19. Losses

__

And I don't want the world to see me   
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand   
When everything's made to be broken   
I just want you to know who I am… 

-The Goo Goo Dolls

*`~

"Kamatari?"

It was late in the evening, a beautiful September day. The sun had set and twilight had fallen. Kamatari and Misharei were sitting together on the porch of the inn, watching the fireflies and counting the stars as they came out. The two had lapsed into silence and the silence was only now broken by Misha's troubled voice.

"What's wrong, Darling?" Kamatari looked at Misha, taking in those big, soulful brown eyes. The boy's brow had furrowed, causing him to look incredibly cute. Misha, when concerned, was a strange sight.

"Did I ever tell you anything about my past?" He asked slowly, "About Mama and Papa? Or my sisters?"

Kamatari blinked. "Sisters?" This was new. He was aware of the way Misha's parents had died, leaving him alone. But he had never heard anything about any siblings.

"I was the baby…I had three sisters, Emi, Izumi and Naomi. Emi was the oldest…She was ten when I was born. Izumi was seven and Naomi was five." He leaned against Kamatari, his head on the man's shoulder as he spoke, a faint smile crossing his face, "I was like a doll to them…They liked to take care of me and dress me…"

A slow smile spread across the older man's face. Misha must have been such a sweet baby…All smiles with those big brown eyes. He could picture three older, female versions of his lover, all of them fighting over who's turn it was to change otouto-kun, or feed him, or bathe him…

"Mama and Papa died when I was ten. You know that…My sisters died of the same thing, I think…I don't really remember. I guess I was lucky…I was never sick back then." He sighed wearily, closing his eyes for a moment, "Izumi died first. She and Emi were sick at the same time, when I was still small. Naomi, she died when Mama and Papa did…and I was all alone and scared."

"Until I found you." Kamatari reminded him gently, his arm sliding around the young man's shoulder, holding him close. He hated to see the boy looking so sad; hated when he became upset.

"Hai; until you found me." Misha nodded in agreement, "I remember how things used to be…I used to wonder why my family died and I lived. Now I know."

"Ara? Why?"

"I would have never met you if they didn't die." Came the soft reply. The boy looked up earnestly, his expression deeply serious. "In death, my family gave me life."

Kamatari was stunned to silence. No one had ever said anything like that to him. Never; not once. To think that death could be a good thing, when it caused to much pain…"Then perhaps…" He began slowly, "Perhaps I can say the same thing about Shishio-sama. Perhaps I should not be so sad that he died…" There was a pause, "If he were still alive, we wouldn't…" His eyes met Misha's and he could practically see the heartbreak on the boy's face. All of his pain; his sadness…Did he cause those?

Tears were an uncontrollable part of his life those days.

"Why are you crying?" Misha asked softly, his hand finding it's way to Kamatari's cheek. He brushed away the tears, fingers soft, warm, loving.

"I don't know." The other man confessed. He looked down at the young man cradled in his lap, taking in those big brown eyes, their sleepiness and all of their secrets. Misha was concerned and this concern was written all over his face. His small hand continued to caress Kamatari's cheek lovingly, then he drew the other's face down, kissing him gently.

"Itoshii…Never be sad…" The words died on his lips as their mouths lingered together, tongues fighting a battle, making sweet love. It killed Misha to see Kamatari suffering. His heart was torn at the sight of his beloved in tears. They clung to Kamatari's long lashes; lingering before splashing and soaking into the silk of his kimono. He hated to see those tears; hated the way they fell unceasingly.

Kamatari's chest heaved as he cried. It had been a very long time since he cried without knowing the reason for crying. His head bowed over the younger man, tears falling on Misha's forehead where his bangs parted. "I love you…I love you so much…I'm sorry you had to go through all of that…I wish I could have been there so you didn't have to cry alone…When I found you…You were…"

"I was going to die." Misha quietly finished the sentence for Kamatari. "It would have been so much better if you were there…But the things we wish would never happen often do. I'm very lucky in the fact you happened upon me." He nuzzled up against his lover, head under his chin. "Maybe I did die. Maybe this is heaven…"

"Iie; you are very much alive, Darling." The seriousness of Misharei's voice caused Kamatari to smile through his tears. Nothing was ever said in jest when it came to the young man. He was so solemn about everything. "Heaven wouldn't even feel this good." He rested his chin on the top of Misha's head. "But maybe, my dearest, you are an angel."

"Iie…" A sleepy smile crossed the teen's face, "I'm no angel…I'm just in love." His face was buried in the warmth of Kamatari's chest, his words muffled. "Mama used to hold me like this too."

"…" There was nothing Kamatari could say. He didn't know what to tell his lover; he'd never lost either of his parents. He remembered them vividly; his mother, pale and wiry, fragile, gentle, kind spirited; his father, cold, cruel, overbearing…Yet still, there was that fondness for his mother. They had been in love, his parents, but they had never understood a thing about him. They were better off without him.

They had lost him.

"Mama…I loved my mama so much…I miss her…I have missed her every day for the past eight years. I think about her all the time; wonder what she's doing now and if, wherever she is, she's happy and safe…"

Kamatari felt Misha's fingers clutch tighter around his sleeve. Any tighter and he would have a bruise on his arm, but it didn't matter. What mattered was that it had only then dawned on him exactly how much Kataomoi Misharei had kept locked inside for the past eight years. He hugged him tighter, as if he was trying to absorb all of Misha's pain and sadness. "I'm sure…I'm sure your mama is very happy. She isn't suffering any more, of this I'm certain. And I'm sure she wants you to be happy and safe as well."

"I am happy, so long as I'm with you." Came the muffled reply, "You keep me safe…You love me the most out of any one I've ever known. Never leave me…Never leave me the way my mama and papa did…Dear God, that's the thing I fear most…"

"My darling, haven't I told you already? I will never leave you. Even death could not tear us apart. I would never be so cruel as to leave you behind. You're the only thing in my life that is good."

"I'm always afraid…I cause so much trouble for you and someday you will grow tired of taking care of me, Itoshii. Every one I love goes away…I need you. I can't live without you. But I know, someday, we will be apart." Misha looked away, his eyes fixed on the dirt instead. "And it scares me more than anything."

"Look at me." Kamatari drew his face back up, suddenly understanding the constant fear in Misha's eyes, "When I say I won't leave you, I mean it."

"Mama said the same thing…" 

Kamatari's heart fell. How could he make Misha understand? He wasn't going to go away. He never had before; why would he decide to leave now? True, Misha was a lot of work to look after. He was so fragile, so breakable…But he didn't seem to understand. Kamatari _liked _taking care of him. He needed some one to look after. He would never get tired of caring for his lover. Even if the boy was sick for the rest of his life, he would always be well loved and cared for. "I'm not your Mama, Misha. And your mama…she wanted to stay. She wanted to take care of you and protect you so badly. It wasn't her fault and she didn't want to leave you all alone. Try to remember…What was the last thing your mama said to you?"

__

What was…? Misharei thought hard. Most of that period in his life had been blocked out; he didn't want to remember watching his family die. He could vaguely recall "…Naomi and Emi died…Mama was sad all the time and Papa hardly ever talked any more…Mama would hug me a lot, telling me not to go away too and I didn't understand. We were so poor…When my sisters were sick, they couldn't get a doctor for them."

"What else happened?" Kamatari asked softly. Misha was huddled in his arms, staring off into space, his eyes fixed on nothing. It broke his heart, seeing his companion so lost and confused. 

"Papa was gone…I woke up one morning and he just wasn't there anymore. And Mama…She could hardly do anything anymore. She just sat there all the time…I cooked for her, but she couldn't eat anything. She was always coughing and always weak, but I didn't realize…She said we would always be together! Kamatari, she lied to me! She said she would never leave…" The young man burst into tears again, burying his face in Kamatari's chest. "I believed her…She told me we would always have each other and I believed her…"

"Darling…My dearest, what was the last thing you remember her telling you?" The older man struggled to control his own tears. Misha needed him to be strong…He couldn't let himself cry, not right then.

"She was laying on the bed and she could hardly even talk…" The tears fell faster now, soaking into Kamatari's clothes; the fabric muffling Misha's wavering voice as he spoke, "But she told me…She said…'I'm sorry. I couldn't keep my promise…I love you, Misharei. Be a good boy and good things will come for you. We'll be together again.' and she touched my face, smiled one last time…Then she died. She died. I didn't want her to, but she did anyway. And I was so scared…I didn't know what I would do." 

Silence fell over them. Kamatari was crying now too, crying for the pain of an innocent child. What kind of cruel fate would do this to a little boy? What kind of fate would do this to any child? He enveloped his companion, sobbing into his hair, trying to understand the pain he went through. Losing Shishio-sama was nothing like losing a whole family. How could he possibly understand?

"Arigato…" Misha's whisper broke the silence that surrounded them, "Arigato for everything, Itoshii Hito. You saved me…"

"I saved you…?" The man repeated in a whisper. He had never thought that this may be possible. Misha had saved him. When he was at the edge…On the brink of despair…Misha had always been there to help him, to hold his hand, to tell him it was okay to cry. Misha had always loved him. Misha had been the redeemer, the one who was strong in the face of pain. 

And now, he was bawling like a baby.

Kamatari pulled him closer. "You don't have to be strong. You don't have to hold on. You've been there too long…Let it all out right now, Darling. Never hold pain inside again. Don't ever keep things from me. I never knew how much pain you were in…All these years and I never knew. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't…You already had enough to worry about on your own. I couldn't be selfish and burden you with my problems."

"Your problems are my problems, Misha." He kissed his young friend's forehead. "We're one now…We share everything. When you're happy, I'm happy. When you're angry, I'm angry. And when you hurt, I hurt too…"

"You understand now…You understand how I've felt all these years. I cried so many times for you and you never knew." 

"I knew. I always knew. Thank you, my love. Thank you…"

Misha smiled faintly, drawing back from Kamatari's chest. "Can't I get a proper thank you?" His smile widened, giving him that impish look, and his eyes -still wet with tears- sparkled.

"Iie, not right now, Darling." Kamatari had spotted Dominick and Mary strolling through the twilight towards the porch. "I'll give you your thank you later." He brushed back a strand of Misha's auburn hair, "We have an audience now."

"Good evening." Mary smiled at them both, her dark eyes dancing with contentment. Then a small frown crossed her face. "You look as if you've both been crying. Everything is all right, no?"

"We were talking about my mama and papa." Misha blinked his sleepy eyes, looking up at her, not caring that his face was streaked with tears, "The past can be very sad, no da." 

She nodded. "Just so long as you treasure the good and honor those gone before you, everything will be okay. You must forwards into the future, but never forget the past." She looked at Dominick for his opinion, "This is right, no?"

He smiled, agreeing with her every word. "Yes." He inclined his head, "Very true. It's starting to get cold. We should go inside now." 

"We should. Good night." She patted Misharei on the head on the way by and he smiled fondly at her, "Don't stay out too long. Nobody wants to see you sick again."

"Hai." He consented, "We will sleep soon." He watched as they made their way into the inn, then settled back into Kamatari's warm embrace. _But for now…I'm perfectly content._

*`~

Mou…I updated something! YAY! And I'm on a HUGE anime high…YAY for Michaela's Fushigi Yugi boxed set =3

No da! -^_^-


	20. In the End

__

And I meant every word I said  
When I said that I love you I meant  
That I love you forever

-REO Speedwagon

*`~

Sunlight glinted off the snowy white rooftops of the buildings in Steamtown and poured through the window of a small, third-floor apartment, spilling across the bed beneath the window. A mound of blankets atop the bed shifted slightly as the occupant of the nest pulled the blankets further over his head, trying to block out the brilliant morning sun.

The other occupant of the apartment smiled, noticing his young lover's reluctance to face the morning. "Darling, come out from there." Kamatari poked at the tangle of blankets and auburn hair, which was the only sign that Misharei was indeed cocooned inside the mess of bedding.

"Chaa…" Came the boy's sleepy reply. He moved a little more, blankets rustling, so that he was peeking out from somewhere in the snuggly warmth. "It's cold." He yawned.

The older man's smile widened to a grin. "You don't have any clothes on, do you?" His voice took on an amused tone as he teased his lover.

Misha huffed for a moment, trying his best to glare at Kamatari, but only resulting in a wide-eyed stare, his bottom lip stuck out in a pout. "It's not _my _fault you tire me out and I didn't have the energy to get up and put my clothes back on. Besides, you kept me nice and warm, Itoshii." His soft brown eyes sparkled as the pout gave way to a pleased smile, "You could come back in here with me…"

"Iie, Misha. I need to go soon. I just wanted to see you before I leave." Kamatari sat on the edge of the bed, one hand resting atop Misharei's silky hair. His expression softened as he stroked the young man's reddish-brown locks, finger's trailing down and caressing the boy's cheek.

Misha instantly leaned into the caress, practically purring with contentment. "I wish you could stay with me today." He said softly, "I don't like when you go to work everyday. I feel lonely." He sat up, the blankets still wrapped tightly around his naked body, "I know you need to do it, Itoshii, but I wish…"

Kamatari blinked, long lashes sweeping across his cheeks. Misha was not usually so clingy. It had been a year or so since he started working to make sure they would always have plenty to eat and a nice enough place to live and the younger man had never so much as complained once before. He looked at his lover thoughtfully for a moment, pushing a lock of hair back to study his face fully. "I didn't hurt you last night, did I?"

"Iie." Came a quiet reply, "I just want you here with me. That's all."

The transvestite's brow furrowed as he continued to stare into the eyes of the man he was so deeply in love with. "You are not feeling ill, Misha?"

"I'm okay." The boy's voice was firm this time, "I am not a child, Kamatari. If I were ill, I would certainly tell you. Is it so wrong for me to desire a day with my beloved?" One small hand reached upwards, pulling the other's face down close for a kiss, "Is it so terribly wrong of me to be selfish?" The second question was a dying whisper as their lips met a second time.

"Ara, Darling…" Kamatari breathed, completely forgetting his train of thought. He pulled the smaller man into his arms, blankets and all, holding him close to his chest. "Ai shiteru itsumo, my darling dearest one."

Misha's eyes closed as he snuggled into the warmth of Kamatari's embrace. "As if I didn't know." He murmured. As much as he hated to admit it, he did need to get up and Kamatari did need to leave for work. McKernon-san had been kind to them both at times when Misharei was sick and needed Kamatari, but she was adamant about the "woman" in her service showing up on time for work. Promptness and punctuality were two qualities she valued highly.

"Are you going to get up and have breakfast with me before I go?" Kamatari drew back, once again studying the young man in his arms.

"Can you get me something to wear?" Misha looked pleadingly at his lover, eyes watering and lip pushed out in a childish pout.

"Get it yourself." Kamatari's hand ruffled his hair teasingly.

"Iie; you wouldn't want me to get cold, would you?" The boy's eyes widened slightly.

"I spoil you, you know." The other muttered as he moved towards the bureau. He rummaged through the drawer, looking for something for Misha to wear.

"I know!" Came the cheerful reply.

"Bah." Scowling, Kamatari tossed a garment at his lover and it landed on the boy's head.

"Arigato, Itoshii." The young man chirped. He knew Kamatari wasn't really mad at him. Kamatari was never mad at him. He was just teasing. 

Misha pulled the soft fabric off his head, pulling hair down into his eyes in the process. He squirmed into the flannel yukata, knowing he would be plenty warm wearing that. While he and Kamatari had kept with their old style of dress, there wasn't silk readily available and they had gotten creative with the makings of Japanese clothes. Most of Misharei's winter wardrobe was made of flannel, while Kamatari preferred cotton or wool. 

He crawled out of bed as he fastened the robe around his waist, wandering barefoot into the kitchen and seating himself at the table. "Itoshii, do you want me to bring you lunch today?"

"Of course I do." Kamatari set a plate before the boy. He again studied Misha's face, noticing the sleepiness still present in his brown eyes and wondering if the boy was getting sick again. "You're certain you're okay, Dearest?"

"I'm fine. It's not my fault you make me tired. You wear me out so easily." The boy rubbed his eyes and yawned, as if trying to prove his point. "Gomen nasai if this upsets you. I wish I weren't so-"

"Don't say it, Misharei. I wouldn't want you any way but the way you are." The older man leaned across the table, kissing his young lover on the forehead. "If you were different, you simply wouldn't be my little Misha." He pushed back the boy's hair, smiling at him softly. "I love you for exactly what you are."

"Sumimasen." Misha's head bowed for a moment, then he looked up, eyes lit with seriousness. "Ai shiteru. I don't mean to worry you."

"I know. Now eat your breakfast and stop fretting over it." 

"Daijoubu."

*`~

Misharei took the steps two at a time as he ran to deliver Kamatari's lunch. He loved seeing his beloved happy and at work; he knew Kamatari enjoyed his job and he was proud of him for working so hard to take care of him. 

His lover was a salesclerk at McKernon's General Store, a small, family owned business around the block. Kamatari was surprisingly good at what he did; his charming personality and attractive features were a big help in the business. Every one assumed, of course, he was a woman and Misha was his husband and the two weren't about to tell them otherwise, for fear of what would happen if they found out. Most of the customers were pleased with the service the "woman" offered and both men were well liked in the community.

Misha himself was doted on by the motherly woman who ran the store with her husband. Being young and looking even younger, and also still not able to speak or read English very well, McKernon-san had decided she would look after the boy and make sure he kept out of trouble. In order for the young man to have some spending money of his own (used mostly on gifts for Kamatari, just because), she allowed Misha to do odd chores for her, such as sweeping floors, cleaning display cases or running to the post office. 

He pushed open the door of the building and paused for a moment when hit with a frosty blast of winter air. It was nearly his birthday -he would be twenty soon- and it was extremely cold in Steamtown. He had spent his first American winter there, along with celebrating his nineteenth birthday there the year before. He liked the little city, in which all life revolved around the railroad depot, even if it was different from his home in Kyoto.

The activity of the bustling street was not hindered at all by the cold; Misha had to be just as cautious making his way around the block as when there was no snow. People were everywhere, children running on their way home from school for lunch, women on their way to do the grocery shopping, men heading out for a noon break. Sometimes the young man was intimidated by the masses, all in a hurry, all speaking different languages that he didn't understand. But he would not be deterred from his job; taking Kamatari lunch was an important task.

"Konnichi wa." The bells on the shop's door tinkled merrily as Misha pushed it open. McKernon-san and her husband knew the boy usually made an appearance around that time of day and both were pleased to see him. No one else would come through that door greeting them in such a manner, not even Kamatari. He saved his Japanese for Misha and Misha alone; to him, it was something special between them.

"Hello, Dear." McKernon-san couldn't help but smile when she saw the boy. He was so childlike, even though Kamatari had informed her he was nearly twenty and enough of a man where it counted, to which the woman had blushed. Misha was bundled up warmly, wrapped in an ancient looking green overcoat of sorts and a pale blue scarf knitted from thick wool. He smiled up at the woman, brown eyes sparkling, cheeks rosy from the cold.

"Konnichi wa, McKernon-san." He bowed politely, "Where is my Kamatari?" Tucked under his arm was the older man's lunch, wrapped up in brown paper, same as always. As a creature of habit, Misharei had a ritual he underwent every time he set foot in the store. He greeted the proprietors respectfully, inquired after his lover, delivered the lunch, then did any chores or errands offered to him.

"He's in the same place as always, Misharei." Came the amused reply. 

"Arigato, McKernon-san." Another bow and the boy ran off in the direction of the shelf full of fabrics, trimmings and dress patterns. "Kamatari!" He exclaimed breathlessly, "Here's your lunch."

"Ah, thank you, Dearest." The older man smiled at him from over the counter. "I'm glad you come and see me. I miss you when we're apart."

"I miss you too." Misha grinned expectantly, "Now do I get a kiss before I leave?"

"Of course." 

*`~

"Darling, are you happy?"

"I am." 

Kamatari smiled at the young man folded in his arms. Misha had his head leaned against his lover's shoulder, his auburn hair down loose and falling across his forehead. He was wrapped in the same blanket that had been his shroud that same morning, his eyes once again blurred by sleep, exhaustion fueled by the more intimate events of the evening. "You don't regret anything?"

"Not a thing." He snuggled deeper in the man's arms, sighing contentedly. They had been together -really together- for over a year and the boy couldn't imagine a better life than the one they shared. He loved everything about Kamatari, from his looks (gorgeous) to his attitude (kind, caring, wise, determined, loyal) to his actions (he would risk his life for the ones he loved) to the way he…Well, Misha loved him unconditionally. He could never imagine being without the transvestite and had never had a single regret about anything he had done in his quest for love. 

They were both silent for a moment as Kamatari shifted on the bed, then Misha looked up at him, his eyes lidded, "Are _you _happy, Itoshii?" He asked seriously. He blinked, a yawn escaping his lips, his sleepy gaze meeting Kamatari's.

"Dearest One, two years ago I was the most unhappy man on the face of the earth. I thought that I was unloved; that no one cared for me at all. I was pining away after a man who didn't love me. And you ask me if I'm happy…" He smiled softly, "For the first time in my life, my feelings are returned." His fingers teased through the young man's hair, "You loved me even when I did not love you and I am so grateful." He kissed Misha, who willingly returned the affection, "I found the most wonderful thing I could ever possess without looking for it."

Misharei smiled gently, his watery brown eyes falling shut. "I'm glad." His spindly arms wound around the other man, "Ai shiteru itsumo. And we will be together forever, ne?"

"Forever." Kamatari nodded, falling backwards onto the bed, Misha -and the blanket- on top of him. "Now that I am yours and you are mind, I would never want us to be apart." He nuzzled against the boy. "Ai shiteru. Eien ni."

"Chaa…"

__

~Owari~


End file.
